The Penguin Orchestra

The John Bills 100: 91

2011-02-04T10:47:00.000-08:00

91: Pulse Ultra - 'Headspace'.
This band were the first band on at Ozzfest 2002, and I went to see them just to fill a spot I guess. However, I was absolutely thrilled with what I saw. Yes, I was young and impressionable at the time, but this was everything I would have wanted from a band at the time. Sort of like Taproot, but a lot cleverer and minus the same harmonies on every song. I saw them supporting Taproot not long after, and was given a set list and drum stick for singing along to every song. Because I am that cool. However, don't let the nu metal put you off. This is cleverer and far more intricate than your standard nu metal fare, incorporating many different time signatures in individual songs and displaying some damn impressive playing. Its an album I can still put on to this day and be as excited by. Fantastic.

Download: 'Build Your Cages', 'Never the Culprit'.

The John Bills 100: 92

2011-02-04T10:32:00.000-08:00

92: Quicksand - 'Slip'.
Ok, so I don't seem to be able to add a photo of the album cover, I'll edit that at a later date. Before Walter played in Rival Schools, he played in a number of hardcore bands, one of which being Quicksand. Quicksand released 2 records, both of which get a lot of praise by bands and critics, but not much coverage. They are one of those bands really. Loved by people who play music and write about music, and for good reason. Each song on this album has a gritty riff at its core, and there is a gritty intelligence underneath every tune. 'Fazer' opens the album with a nice simple drum fill and rolling riff, and its all forward from there. A criminally underlistened album in my book, and Walter's vocal performance is equally terse. Top stuff.

Download: 'Head to Wall', 'Fazer'.

The John Bills 100: 93

2011-02-02T05:03:00.000-08:00

93: Phema - 'Oomnoom'Shibi'.
I cant find a picture of the album cover anywhere. Thats how little reward this band got. Playing good old fashioned meat and potatoes rock (meant in the nicest possible way), Phema were a 4 piece from Milton Keynes who impressed all who saw them, but never quite got the push they deserved. Like the Foo Fighters with bigger balls, Jimmy Eat World but less lame at times, this is pop rock with a tank engine. You won't hear better hooks than the ones found in 'The Answer', 'Chugga Chug' and 'Promotion' anywhere on those other bands recent albums. It baffles me how this band weren't adored by huge numbers of people. The songs just sound like they are supposed to be sang by throngs of adoring fans. To boot, superbly nice gentlemen as well. I think Graham (frontbloke) does some solo acoustic stuff which is very nice indeed, look him up on youtube (Graham Hulbert). A massively underappreciated album from an equally underappreciated band.

Download: 'The Answer', 'Chugga Chug'.

The John Bills 100: 94

2011-02-01T10:19:00.000-08:00

94: McLusky - 'McLusky Do Dallas'.
If you are in a rock band, and you are recording an album, and unsure how to open said album, then I suggest you buy this record. If it was up to me, every album would open with a song like 'Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues'. It is absolutely wonderful, and if there is such as an attention grabber, this is it. The rest of the album follows in a similar vein, with short sharp fiery intense songs kicking you repeatedly in the balls and then taking a step back and laughing at you. Lyrically it is constantly entertaining as well, as with the usual output from Andy Falkous. Sarcastic, biting, hilarious, it is all of the above. If you are just starting out playing in a band, listen to this album. Please. Now.

Download: 'Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues', 'To Hell With Good Intentions'.

The John Bills 100: 95

2011-02-01T10:04:00.000-08:00

95: Peeping Tom - 'Peeping Tom'.
Mike Patton, Mr.Productive himself, finally released a pure pop record. Well, its a pop record, but not as you'd know it. It is modern day pop music, twisted and forced into new interesting shapes. Nobody every doubted that Patton would be able to do this and do it well, but some of the results are blindingly good. 'Mojo' is as blatant a single as there is, all be it a dark and slightly demented one. It sounds like a party, but a really dark one. 'Five Seconds' opens the album with a similar dark party vibe, and is probably the best song on the record. Supposedly there was enough material for another 2 records, but these are yet to see the light of day. C'mon Michael. He said that this is the type of music he would want to hear on the radio, and by god I wish he was right.

Download: 'Mojo', 'Five Seconds'.

The John Bills 100: 96

2011-01-30T17:50:00.000-08:00

96: The Ocean - 'Precambrian'.

This album is heavy. Not Made out of Babies heavy, not terrible hair metal heavy, but whale heavy. Like a few tonnes of actual metal, this is very heavy. The Ocean are something of a supergroup, featuring guys from bands such as Cave In, Converge, Textures, and even some members of the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra, and they all come together to play some seriously brutal music. A 2 disc set, it starts off with 'Hadean', which is probably my favourite song on the album. Thats not to say the rest of the album fails to reach those heights, far from it. Its just a seriously intense album. There are moments of clarity in it all though, as the 2nd disc displays a teeny bit of restraint. The key term is teeny, as the majority of this album is serious faced heavy heavy music. And it is freakin' wonderful.

Download: 'Hadean', 'Eoarchaean'.

The John Bills 100: 97

2011-01-29T08:29:00.000-08:00

97: Sunna - 'One Minute Science'
This album, or more to the point band, get a bit of stick these days. They get lumped in with bands such as Vacant Stare, Autonomy and other long forgotten British nu-metal bands, as part of an era of mistaken music from Britain's youths. However, whilst listening to this, even whilst looking into the bands history, you see that they don't fit in with those bands, that they deserve something more. This is a dark album, taking cues as much from Nine Inch Nails as it does from Korn. There is angst here, but unlike a lot of bands from the early part of this century, it is entirely earnest and honest. Its a much underappreciated album, covering a hefty amount of ground in the process. Songs like 'I'm Not Trading' and 'Power Struggle' drown themselves in the aforementioned angst, where as 'One Conditioning' and 'I Miss' should respectable restraint. A fine fine record.

Download: 'O.D', 'One Conditioning'.

Book Club XV: One More Year

2011-01-29T01:18:00.000-08:00

Sana Krasikov - 'One More Year'.
This collection of short stories was a pleasure to read. It starts off quite slowly truth be told, but each story has completely engaging characters that you find yourself completely involved in towards the end of the story. It follows various immigrants from the former Soviet Union and their lives in America. This includes affairs, arguments, lost family and whole manner of other subjects, all of which tend to spring up in Soviet area literature. And for good reason, no one writes about these subjects like those in the east. Take loneliness for example. Whilst everyone on the planet has experienced loneliness at some point, the people from the former Soviet Union seem able to express loneliness in a far more poetic form than most, and it shines through not only in literature but also in film. This is a great little book, and to think its her first! Fantastic.

The John Bills 100: 98.

2011-01-28T07:00:00.001-08:00

98: Made Out of Babies - 'The Ruiner'.
First of all, fantastic band name. Julie Christmas is also a fantastic name, and she is without doubt the highlight of this record. Take her out, and Made Out of Babies are a good off kilter metal band, taking various obvious cues from Neurosis. However, with Christmas on top of it all, they become something very different. A hugely cathartic, almost violent record, straight from the opening, its grabs you by the back of the skull and screams full on into your face. It is raw, it is unhinged, it is intense. And it is absolutely wonderful because of it. At times its a difficult listen, much like Christmas' other project Battle of Mice, but that voyeuristic aspect really raises this record to another level. 'There's nothing you can do to her that hasn't been done before, but its worth a try'. Stunning.

Download: 'Cooker', 'Bunny Boots'.

Book Club XIV: A Dirty War.

2011-01-28T03:30:00.000-08:00

'A Dirty War' is a book featuring many articles and essays written by Anna Politkovskaya regarding the conflicts in Chechnya during the 90s and early 00s, as well as the effect this had on the neighbouring republics of Dagestan and Ingushetia. Its a damning critique on post-Soviet Russia, and the negligence that still exists in the country. Whilst the world sees a picture of a Russia moving forward and developing, Politkovskaya brings to light many disgusting decisions and non-decisions made to the people of Chechnya. Its a non stop story of ignorance and broken promises, and makes for difficult reading at times. The wars in Chechnya are difficult to understand at the best of times, and when the reasons for their happening are laid out they become even more unbelievable. Whilst the world sees wars that are won and lost, the only people who are losing this war are the ordinary civilians in Russia's North Caucasus regions.

The John Bills 100: 99.

2011-01-27T12:38:00.000-08:00

99: Apex Theory - 'Topsy Turvy'
There was a bit of hooplah surrounding this band when they came out. Their frontman had previously played in System of a Down, and SOAD were at the height of their popularity, so big hype surrounded Apex Theory. They played a similar style to Serj and the chaps, only a bit more thought out and intricate. These 2 differences probably explained their lack of success, but I consider this one of the most underrated albums of the nu-metal era. And yes, it was an era. Its an album that reveals more with each listen (CLICHE), little melodies and clever riffs only standing out after a couple of plays. The vocals are clever throughout too, and its an album I can put on today and it still sounds fresh, clever and bloody awesome. One of the most underappreciated albums of its time.

Download: 'Drown Ink', 'Shhh (Hope Diggy)'.

The John Bills 100 extravaganza. 100: Onelinedrawing - 'Visitor'.

2011-01-26T03:13:00.000-08:00

So, beginning today, I am going to list my favourite 100 albums of all time in descending order, with a little write up and video for each. The plan is to do 7 a week, so ideally 1 a day, but that might not be possible sometimes. Rules are simple. Only one record per band, and nothing released in the last 12 months will be considered. Its too early for that stuff, it'll have to wait for the 2016 edition of this. I did a straight top 100 about 5 years ago, I might try and dig that out to see how much has changed. Anyway, off we go.

onelinedrawing/visitor

I was huge on Jonah Matranga back in the day. Whatever he did, I would be there telling people it was the best thing going. I remember going to see him support Funeral for a Friend in Wolverhampton, meeting the man and seeing him do an impromptu set in the bar area. It was great, he's a proper nice man. 'Visitor' was the first full album released under the onelinedrawing moniker, and for me its the best. Just acoustic guitar, a toy R2D2 and his voice, its as solid an acoustic album as you are going to find. 'Yr Letter' is one of the finest acoustic songs ever commited to tape, and there are plenty of other highlights within. 'Candle song' is all aching sadness, and you want it to go on further. Its impossible to listen to 'Smile' without well, smiling. 'Bitte Ein Kuss' has the same effect, and 'Softbelly' is a song I wish I'd written. If you are intrigued about Jonah matranga's acoustic output, start here.

Download: 'Yr Letter', 'Smile'.

Who I think will win the World Cup/Who to look out for.

2011-01-25T06:30:00.000-08:00

Ah lovely, the final World Cup thingy before I embark on the hell of listing my top 100 albums of all time. That has been difficult to whittle down, so doing the rest will be harder, but fun, I'll be listening to them in reverse order, which is cool. Anyway, cricket. In the previous 2 posts I listed a host of reasons why I think the major sides won't win the World Cup. Now, I'll tell you who I think will win the World Cup, and why. If anyone read the previous posts, I wonder if you were able to guess who my pick was. I'd be interested in knowing. So...

WHY SRI LANKA WILL WIN THE 2011 ICC WORLD CUP.

- Last time they hosted, they won it. History is on the Sri Lankans side. In 1996, they co-hosted the tournament with India and Pakistan, as they do here. In that tournament, an unfancied side went through the tournament winning every game they played, and embarrassing many a heralded side in the process. They hammered England in the quarters, had India on the brink of debacle in the semis, and made light work of Australia in the final. Back then, the side was strong but unfancied. Jayasuriya and Kaluwitharana are thought of as trail blazers, but rarely did they put a strong opening stand together. Gurushina and Ranatunga were terrible runners between the wickets, and the pace bowling attack was far weaker than it is now. Now they come to host it again, and can rightly be considered one of the strongest sides. They have always been strong at home, even back to before 1996. They will continue that here.

- They have the most balanced squad. There are no weak areas in the Sri Lankan side. The squad has 6 frontline batsmen, the best wicket keeper batsman in the world, a very exciting up and coming all rounder, 4 proven quick bowlers and 3 different spin options. They have a side for all subcontinental conditions, and cover every possible base. It is daunting, to say the least.

- Muttiah Muralitharan. The worlds leading wicket taker in both tests and one day internationals, this tournament will be his international swansong. He is still one of the worlds top bowlers, and will want to go out with a bang.

- 'Slinger' Malinga. In the last World Cup, South Africa were coasting to victory against Sri Lanka, needing next to no runs with 5 wickets in hand. The ball is thrown to Malinga, and just like that, 4 wickets in 4 balls. He is the definition of explosive, bowls better yorkers than anyone in world cricket, and is an absolute handful at the beginning of an innings and at the death. I'd put money on him being the leading wicket taker.

- Their batting order is very strong, very varied, very experienced. Dilshan is reinventing limited overs opening, and has been consistent at doing it. Tharanga has quietly been plundering runs. Jayawardene and Sangakkara would walk into any other side here. Samaraweera has come back extremely strong over the last couple of years. Chamara Silva and Kapugedera are both quality back up players. Not only that, but they bat deep. As mentioned previously, Angelo Mathews is a very exciting all rounder, and even Kulasekera, Perera and Malinga can bat, as soon in the recent series against Australia. There are no weak points in their batting line up.

- They are no longer carrying Sanath Jayasuriye. A lot of Sri Lankans have been angry about the exclusion of Jayasuriye, but I would consider this a good move by the selectors. He hasn't been anywhere near his best at international level for a number of years, and was beginning to become a liability at the top of the order. His omission gives a fresh feel to the line up. Whilst his part time spin could have argued for his inclusion, Dilshan and Samaraweera both fill in this spot.

So there you have it. If I was a betting man, Sri Lanka would have my money for the 2011 World Cup. India and South Africa are both strong, but I think Sri Lanka just seem faultless for this competition. What do you think?

10 Players to watch out for.
Virat Kohli (India): One of the form players in ODI cricket right now, its touch and go whether he will be in the first XI, but anyone thinking Indias chances revolve around Tendulkar, Sehwag, Gambhir and Dhoni will be proved wrong.
Jesse Ryder (New Zealand): Provided he stays fit, Ryder will be one of the most exciting players to watch this year. His medium pace will prove a handful on sub continent pitches as well.
Kemar Roach (West Indies): The shining light of the West Indian pace attack, Roach is hostile and aggressive, and whilst he will go for runs, theres always a chance he will obliterate a top order.
Ryan ten Doeschate (Netherlands): By far the best Associate player around these days, ten Doeschate would be pushing for a squad place in England or South Africas side, if he chose to pursue those avenues. A consistent performer in English and Australian domestic competitions, he is quality.
Mahmudullah (Bangladesh): Very consistent lower order all rounder for the Tigers, he has impressed with both bat and ball in the last couple of years and is a key member of an improving Bangladeshi side.
Tamim Iqbal (Bangladesh): He burst onto the scene by thwacking India around in the last World Cup, and now he is known world wide for his ability at the top of the order. Expect more fireworks.
Shoaib Akhtar (Pakistan): Everyone loves Shoaib. He's getting on a bit now, but he still runs in like a man possessed and only has interests in bowling fast. This will be his last world cup, and he won't go out with a whimper.
Cameron White (Australia): All rounder turned leg spinner turned middle order batsman, White has quietly become a fixture in Australias one day side. He has the ability to play all types of innings, and is very underappreciated. A key component of the Aussie side.
Eoin Morgan (England): Another who is no longer a secret in world cricket, his unique style and ability to create shots out of nothing is key to an England side with its highest hopes since 1992.
Imran Tahir (South Africa): He only qualified for the country on new years day. The last time the South Africans had a wrist spinner in the squad it was the frog in a blender Paul Adams in 1996. Tahir has performed fantastically on the not so spin friendly pitches in South Africa, and could be a handful in the subcontinent. If he gets a game that is.

So there you have it. Sri Lanka to win the trophy, Malinga to be top wicket taker, and I'll go with Hashim Amla as top run scorer. I hope anyone has enjoyed reading! Top 100 albums start tomorrow.

It cannot be true 17.

2011-01-24T02:33:00.000-08:00

British sailors used to be called 'limeys' because they ate citrus to avoid scurvy on long voyages. Fact.

Why the sides in Group B won't win the world cup.

2011-01-24T01:57:00.000-08:00

So here we go, the second part of the World Cup thingy. Why the sides in Group B won't win the 2011 ICC World Cup.

WHY INDIA WON'T WIN THE WORLD CUP

- Injuries. Sachin Tendulkar, Gautam Gambhir, Virender Sehwag. As things currently stand, all 3 of these world class players are injured. In fairness, Virat Kohli has been in fantastic form recently, but Yuvraj is more hit than miss these days, and Raina is not entirely convincing. Niggling injuries to the 3 aforementioned players could prove extremely disruptive to Indias world cup hopes.

- Inconsistent pace bowling. This does not concern Zaheer Khan, as he is as consistent as they come these days. However, Munaf Patel only shows up now and then and is an absolute liability in the field, Praveen Kumar is still hit and miss, and Ashish Nehra is slowly finding his way back to this form from the 2003 edition, but has gone for a fair number of runs in recent times. I think the selectors have missed a trick by not picking Sreesanth, as his added bite would prove handy on the sub continent pitches.

- Sachin Tendulkar can't be in form forever. Tendulkar has been in form longer than a large number of players in the tournament have been alive. This cannot continue forever.

WHY SOUTH AFRICA WON'T WIN THE WORLD CUP.

- CHOKE. Well, its not a pleasant term at all, but South Africa have got this reputation as being world cup chokers for a reason. It was theirs to win in 1999, but a dropped dolly from Herschelle Gibbs and the run out that even my sister could not believe stopped that. They hosted it in 2003, only to knock themselves out for misreading Duckworth Lewis. They collapsed horribly in the 2007 semi finals. Every time it comes around, South Africa are mentioned as one of the favourites, but everyone has a knowing thought of 'how will they duff up this time?'. How will they duff up this time?

- Brittle Lower Order. Now this is something that usually isn't associated with South African cricket. In days gone past, the side had players of the quality of Brian McMillian, Lance Klusener, Mark Boucher, Dave Richardson and Shaun Pollock coming in at numbers 7-9. In recent games however, the lower order has not seemed so strong. Johan Botha is a decent player, but not of the same quality as the aforementioned guys, he is not an international number 7. The make up of their side will prove interesting, whether Robin Peterson is chosen to play purely for his batting ability at 7, or will Colin Ingram slot in at 6 leaving Du Plessis at 7? We shall see.

- The pace attack has no world cup experience. South Africa have included five recognised pace bowlers in their squad. Jacques Kallis, Dale Steyn, Morne Morkel, Lonwabo Tsotsobe and Wayne Parnell. Kallis is the only one of these who has played at a world cup before, and its unlikely that he will bowl 10 overs a game. Steyn is the premier fast bowler in the world right now, and his pairing with Morkel has been deadly in tests, but will they perform at their first world cup? Will Parnell find his rhythm again?

WHY ENGLAND WON'T WIN THE WORLD CUP.

- They don't know their best combination. Matt Prior was recalled to the squad in place of Steven Davies for the World Cup, disrupting the Strauss/Davies opening combination that had played the previous few games, with success. Prior has since made 2 ducks and has never convinced as an ODI opening batsman. Are England trying too hard to find an Adam Gilchrist? The show starts in less than a month and there are serious question marks over the top of Englands order. If its an attacking option the side want, why not go with Luke Wright at the top? Failing that, Ian Bell has always played well for England opening the side. Despite this, now is not the time for experimentation.

- Paul Collingwood can't buy runs. A key member of the side in all facets, Collingwood is in a terrible run of form that led to him being dropped for the first game of the series vs Australia. He is almost indispensible because of his fantastic fielding and partnership breaking bowling, but can the side afford to have him in the top order in such bad form?

- Injuries. As with a number of other sides in the tournament, England go into it with many injury worries. Stuart Broad hasn't played since the 2nd Ashes test. Graeme Swann picked up an injury at the beginning of this series. If these persist, are the back up guys good enough to fill their shoes? Ajmal Shehzad has been impressive, but he is very inexperienced. Is anyone really convinced by James Tredwell? Is Michael Yardy international class?

WHY WEST INDIES WON'T WIN THE WORLD CUP.

- Where are the bowlers? Sammy, Rampaul, Roach and Russell. This is the sides pace attack. Kemar Roach is a very exciting prospect, but the others are pedestrian at best. The side misses Jerome Taylor and Fidel Edwards, and without those 2 I just can't see the West Indies making serious inroads into the best sides top orders. Who would have guessed that to be the truth only 20 years ago?

- Inconsistency. West Indies are up there with Pakistan on the inconsistent scale. On their day, they have a decent side, but its a rare day when all 11 turn up. Chris Gayle either scores blazing hundreds or nothing at all, Dwayne Bravo has fizzled out a bit after being the sides go to man not long back, Chanderpaul has been fantastic but is on his last legs. Sarwan hasn't played an international in a while and there are question marks over his fitness and form. Kieron Pollard has promised much but delivered little.

- Commitment. Just this year, Gayle, Pollard and Dwayne Bravo refused national side contracts in order to earn bigger money by being freelance players basically. Are they truly committed to the national cause? Has the bandying together of a number of islands into a nation finally caught up on the West Indies? Are some of the players truly representing the West Indies, or their individual islands? Questions that will not be answered.

And thats that for that. In the next one, I'll say who I think will be the new stars of the tournament, and of course who I think will win. Here's a clue, its not Zimbabwe.

Why the sides in Group A won't win the world cup.

2011-01-21T07:44:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I know I've already started one cricket related thing with 'The Worlds Best Test side', and that starting a second one now means I'm likely to do my usual thing of abandonment at the beginning. I will not do that now however, and the reason for the lack of continuation with the test blog is that I have no computer, hithero no means of writing anything. Also, I had the idea for this column this morning, and as the world cup starts in under a month, it made sense to go ahead with this. So here we go. This series will look at the top contenders for the 2011 ICC World Cup, and to break away from the norm, I shall tell you exactly why each side will not win the world cup. This is intended to be not entirely serious as well, so take with a pinch of salt. Today, I'll look at the top sides in Group A. Ahead!

WHY AUSTRALIA WILL NOT WIN THE WORLD CUP.

- Pace attack. Australias 15 man squad comes along with a lot of fitness question marks, and these are in some pretty key areas. The decision was made to take both Shaun Tait and Brett Lee, who on their day are 2 of the most intimidating fast bowlers in the world today. Lee's record speaks for itself, and Tait almsot singlehandedly won Australia a series in England last summer. He was also the joint lead wicket taker in the 2007 World Cup. Both of these quicks however, have spent the majority of the last 18 months injured, and injuries take their toll on fast bowlers more than most. If they fire, they will take wickets at the top of the order without question. If they don't fire however, they will go for a lot of runs, and a lot of runs fast. So say they don't, and Australias opposition get off to a flyer 70-0 after 10 overs. Who is the next quick in line to try and restore some control? Mitchell Johnson. A man who is as famed for his lack of control as he is for his wicket taking ability. Taking Tait and Lee (with the unlucky Peter Siddle missing out) is a huge gamble. If it comes off, Australia could pick up a 4th straight world cup. However, it won't.

- A lack of confidence. Yes, thats right, as unbelievable as it is to say, Australia are lacking confidence right now. Now, of course this works differently with the Aussies, they have different levels of confidence to most sportsmen in the world, but their recent battering in the Ashes and the merciless battering they took in the press will cause some doubt in the squad. Add this to question marks over the fitness of Ponting, Hussey, Lee and Tait, doubt as to the form of Michael Clarke, the ever hanging Nathan Hauritz question and the sides lack of a top quality all rounder, and you have clouds of doubt over an Australian side that haven't been seen for 20 years.

- Nathan Hauritz. You really have to feel for Nathan Hauritz. First, he's chosen as the sides spinner and is ripped apart by critics worldwide. He puts in steady performances and slowly shows his worth to the side. He's then dropped abruptly and the whole world demands to know why. Now, he is back in the squad for the world cup. He is literally, on a hiding to nothing. He isn't reknowned for his confidence, and his record in India (something that Hilditch claimed was a reason for his picking) is abysmal. If he doesn't start well, his 10 overs will be looked at by opposition sides as buffet time.

- WHY PAKISTAN WON'T WIN THE WORLD CUP.

- Drama. Huge cliche, yes. Pakistan have made more headlines for their off field dramas than they have for on field performances as of late, and these can only prove distracting. After the spot fixing scandal of the summer, they are missing 3 of their top players, Zulqarnain Haider is in hiding in Britain and there is uncertainty surrounding the side. They were supposed to be co hosting this tournament, but political instability has made this impossible. Pakistan and drama go hand in hand, and it usually leads to distraction.

- No Mohammed Yousuf, Yes Misbah-ul-Haq. Mohammad Yousuf has got a generally poor world cup record, that can't be argued with. His performances in recent ODIs have also not set the world alight. However, that is more than can be said for Misbah, despite his recent elevation to test captain. Yousuf is widely regarded as one of the classiest players of the last 15 years, and his calm batting should not be shunned. The reasons for his lack of selection are valid, but I'm sure there will be a time when his presence would have been needed. Misbah's record does not fill fans with joy either, and the middle order of the side is a big question mark because of this.

- BOOM BOOM. Yes, its the reason everyone loves to watch Pakistani cricket. Invariably, there will come an explosion, and it will be entertaining. The side possesses many cricketers who on their day can win a match on their own, but are equally as likely to implode and leave the side in tatters. Shahid Afridi has made this almost marketable over the last 15 years. When he fires, there is no one like him in the world. However, his firing has become more and more rare. Abdul Razzaq is the same. He won a game on his own against South Africa recently, and then returned to fiddly scores. Umar Akmal is the latest exciting talent to join the side, and I'm sure his worlc up record will be somewhere along the lines of nothing, nothing, exciting 30, nothing, fantastic 60+, nothing.

WHY NEW ZEALAND WILL NOT WIN THE WORLD CUP.

- Poor bowling attack. Take Daniel Vettori out, and not a single other bowler would have made the first XI of another top side. Kyle Mills would be close, but his injury concerns have stunted his career. Tim Southee is an exciting prospect, but far from the finished article. Hamish Bennett is an unknown, as is Luke Woodcock. Nathan McCullum is steady, and James Franklin has impressed more with his batting than his bowling recently. This side misses Shane Bond more than any other side misses anyone.

- Reliance on key players. Its so much of a cliche, it could almost be a drinking game. Drink every time New Zealand and words such as 'fighters', 'gritty', 'workmanlike' and the such are mentioned in the same sentence. However, New Zealands top order seems to be full of more flair than usual. This leads to a reliance on these players however. If Jesse Ryder, Brendon McCullum and Ross Taylor all fail, there isn't much around them to build big scores. Williamson and Guptill are inconsistent talents. Styris is the archetypical 'fighter'. However, if Ryder and McCullum fail, so will New Zealand.

- Recent record. New Zealand have struggled in recent times. They became the first full strength side to be beaten in a series by Bangladesh recently, and it was no fluke. They were entirely outplayed by the tigers, and deserved to be thrashed. They are about to play Pakistan in 6 games, and no one has high hopes for them. They have lost 11 games in a row. Their form is poor, and its not a good sign for the world cup.

WHY SRI LANKA WON'T WIN THE WORLD CUP.

- Malinga and Fernando. When they lose control and rhythm, they are both likely to be carted around. This is more true with Dilhara Fernando than Malinga, but stands for both. Fernando has a tendency to be expensive which leads to frequent no balls, and in what is expected to be a batsman friendly world up, such lack of control can only lead to problems for the Sri Lankans.

- Sangakkaras workload. In my opinion, Kumar Sangakkara is the best batsman in the side. He is also the captain, as well as the wicket keeper. He has the workload of three men on his shoulders, and has played this role for a couple of years now. The intentsity that comes with a world cup could lead to this weighing down on him and causing problems with one or more of his roles, and they are 3 key roles. If he fails with the bat, the side will be faced with a formless captain. It is imperative to the side that he juggles all 3 roles well.

And thus concludes day one of this. It was fun to write, if a little tiring. Hope you enjoyed it! Group B will be done next week some time, followed by a little piece on who I think will win the tournament.

It cannot be true 16.

2011-01-21T07:39:00.000-08:00

Armenia was the first country to adopt christianity as its official religion. Fact.

The Worlds Best Test Side: Australia

2010-12-28T08:04:00.000-08:00

Right, I've wanted to write this for a pretty long time. Ever since the retirement of the great Shane Warne, Glenn McGrath, Justin Langer, Matty Hayden and Adam Gilchrist, international cricket has become a much more competitive place to be. There are now genuinely five sides who can lay claim to being the worlds best, and if Pakistan played more cricket and didn't court controversy as much as they did, then maybe that number would be 6. Test cricket, despite the advent of Twenty20, has not been this competitive in a long time.

So who exactly are the best in the world? Well, I don't have stats to back all of this up, so its going to be on a purely on paper basis. But I'll evaluate the sides, and come to a decent conclusion as to who the best test team in the world are. I look at strengths and weaknesses, areas for improvements and the players who can fill any gaps. So who are the worlds best test team? Today, I'll look at the previous incumbents, Australia.

AUSTRALIA

As anyone who is watching the current Ashes series can see, Australia are not the side they once were. Recent results attest to this, with just 2 wins in their last 7 test matches. They have been outclassed at times by England during the Ashes, and the demolition job at the WACA aside have been distinctly second best. The current test at the MCG is not an abherration, it is how the majority of the series has gone. However, any discussion on the worlds best side would not be relevant without looking at the side that dominated the previous 15 years.

Opening Batsmen
The current opening batsmen in the Australia side are Shane Watson and Phillip Hughes, although Simon Katich would certainly be in the side in place of Hughes if he was not injured. Katich has been one of Australias most consistent batsmen of recent times, and is their 4th highest run scorer in 2010 despite playing 3 games less than the men above him. Watson is the 2nd highest run scorer for the side this year, and has been something of a revelation since moving to the top of the order in the middle of the 09 Ashes series. He has scored more 50s than any other Australian batsman in 2010, but there in lies the biggest criticism there is of Watson, his poor conversion rate. Hughes has fallen dramatically since he announced his arrival so emphatically against South Africa a few years back. England gave him a torrid time in the 09 Ashes, exposing the flaws in his technique and giving his confidence a bit of a bruising, and he hasn't really recovered entirely. He is a player who doesn't fill you with total confidence, in that he could be on 90 and the opposite side would still feel they have a chance to get him. He is explosive, and could develop into something special with time and work. The selectors definitely seem to have good faith in him either way.

Middle Order
Ricky Ponting, Michael Clarke, Michael Hussey. On paper, that is as good a 3, 4, 5 as there is in the world. Ponting is without question one of the all time greats, and he is up there with Tendulkar, Lara and Kallis in terms of great batsmen since I started watching the game in the early 90s. He is Australias highest ever run scorer in tests, and that is a record that can't be argued with. On his day, he is as good as anyone in the world, if not better. However, he is definitely struggling at the moment, and many voices say that this Ashes series will be his last test series. In 2010 he is Australia's 3rd highest run scorer and has a highest of 209. However, only Mitchell Johnson has scored more ducks in the current side this year, and an average of 36.95 is not what is expected of the teams leader. His deputy and heir apparent is in a similar rut at the moment, with Michael Clarke averaging 36.71 for the year. Ever since his high profile relationship problems Clarke seems to have struggled, and a few niggling injuries have not helped his cause at all. Once a shoe in to follow Ponting as captain, doubts about his own game have now made this less of a certainty. He is a class player though, and is just one lucky break away from a big score. Coming into this series, major questions were being asked about Michael Hussey in the way they are now being asked about Clarke, and Hussey has responded brilliantly. His hundred in Perth was every bit as important to that victory as Johnsons first innings swing bowling masterclass, and he has been the standout batsman for the Aussies in this series. His 2010 record is good as well, as he is the sides highest run scorer with an average of 50.89, the only player in the side averaging over 50 for the year. He is not getting any younger though, although age is not an issue if you are playing well.

The number 6 position in the side is less clear. Marcus North was the number 6 coming into this series, and he was on borrowed time coming in. North had the opposite problem to Shane Watson. Where Watson seems incapable of converting his 50s into 100s, North struggled to get to 50, but his conversion when he got there was fantastic. This doesn't lead to a good run in the side though, as a test side does not a middle order batsman whos form runs so inconsistently. He averages 29.37 for the year, and that is with 2 hundreds. Steve Smith has since come into the side, and without being harsh he just is not a test number 6. Not yet. He is definitely an exciting young cricketer, but he is nowhere near the finished article, and his results prove this, as he averages 23.37 for this year. His position in the side shows that the selectors are a bit unsure as to what they are trying to do. He is playing as a batsman who will bowl you a few overs of spin, but this is a job that North did. Its a job that Clarke and Katich could do.

So what is ahead for Australias batsmen? Katich, Ponting and Hussey can't be far off finishing, so there are spots to be filled. Usman Khawaja is the next in line, and his domestic form is good. Cameron White deserves a test run, his development into a frontline batsman as opposed to an all rounder should be capitalised on by the selectors. David Hussey continues to pile on the domestic runs, and the selectors also seem keen on Cameron Ferguson. Shaun Marsh has performed well at the top of the order in one dayers, so he could come in for Katich at the top if Watson were to move down the order. By my estimation, that would balance the side considerably.

Wicket Keeper
This is an area that Australia have no problems in. When Adam Gilchrist retired, there was talk of how difficult it would be to follow him as the sides man behind the stumps, and whilst Gilchrist is impossible to follow, Brad Haddin could not have done a better job. He is as good a wicket keeper batsman as there is in the world right now, and would walk into any other team. Tim Paine also did well deputising for Haddin in the series against Pakistan this past summer, and has performed well in the 50 over side. Australia have got a knack of producing fine keepers, and their cupboard is full, with each domestic side boasting a keeper who could hold their own on the big stage.

Pace Bowlers.
This is another area where Australia have a number of players vying for a few spots. As of the MCG test that is currently ongoing, they are employing a 4 man pace attack consisting of Mitchell Johnson, Peter Siddle, Ryan Harris and Ben Hilfenhaus. Johnson was the ICC cricketer of the year not so long ago, but similar to Hughes his stock has fallen since having a torrid tour of England in 2009. He is a hit or miss type of bowler, and he seems to miss more often than hit these days. Despite his apparent bad form however, he is by far Australias leading wicket taker this year, 10 ahead of the next best. If he can return to something approaching his best, he will be one of the worlds leading pace bowlers going into this decade. There is a lot to like about the rest of the attack as well. Peter Siddle reminds me of Craig McDermott, all attitude and snarl. Ben Hilfenhaus is one of the unluckiest bowlers around at the moment, his stats (18 wickets at 41.38 in 2010) do not do justice to the work he does. Ryan Harris looks like a fine bowler as well, with 20 wickets in 5 matches this year at the sides lowest average (24.40). His fitness is an issue however, but if he can stay fit he looks like he should be a fixture in the side. On the sidelines is Doug Bollinger, the sides 2nd leading wicket taker for the year. Similair attitude to Siddle, he is a very crafty bowler.

The problem with the attack though, especially with Johnson being so inconsistent, is that it does not strike fear into the hearts of opposition batsmen. 10 years ago, the pace line up for the side was Glenn McGrath, Brett Lee, Jason Gillespie. One of the finest all time pace bowlers, the leading hostile wicket taker of the time and one of the most underrated players ever to play test cricket. A team would see those names in the line up and struggle to see where the runs would come from. However, as with any great sporting generation, the follow up is an impossible task. No disrespect, but I don't think any English batsmen had feelings of trepidation when faced with an attack of Johnson, Siddle and Hilfenhaus. They are all honest bowlers, who do a job, but the fear factor has definitely gone.

Spin Bowlers
Stuart MacGill, Brad Hogg, Beau Casson, Daniel Cullen, Cameron White, Jason Krejza, Cullen Bailey, Bryce McGain, Nathan Hauritz, Xavier Doherty, Steve Smith. All spin bowlers who have been given the challenge of filling the boots of Shane Warne. All have failed. Smith is the current incumbunt, and the rest have been discarded. MacGill was unlucky in that he played in the shadow of Warne for years, and actually outbowled him in the tests they played together. Casson had a promising debut, got injured and then had a serious confidence problem. Krejza took 12 wickets on debut in India, got injured and disappeared. McGain was carted around by Ashwell Prince on debut and never seen again. Hauritz was an unpopular selection who many claimed should be dropped, only to have the same people lambast the decision when it was made. Xavier Doherty was given 2 tests on the strength of an impressive ODI debut and Kevin Pietersen's mythical weakness against left armers. Now he has been discarded.

The spin cupboard is bare in Australia right now. Well, this isn't entirely true, Smith is promising, Hauritz is steady, Steve O'Keefe has been impressive domestically. The problem is obvious though. None of these bowlers are Shane Warne, and as much as the Australian public says they dont expect them to be, deep down they all do. They need to stick to a spinner, and put their faith in them for a long time. This man seemed to be Hauritz, but he was discarded at the beginning of the series and probably won't be seen again. Don't even get me started on Michael Beer.

In conclusion, Australia are not the best test side in the world. On paper their top order looks strong, but the game is not played on paper and they are struggling. The number 6 position is anyones guess, and I think the side would benefit from Shane Watson dropping down. Whilst he might not be the pure all rounder he once was, he provides options and balance. Brad Haddin is one of their finest players right now, and would also be a decent choice as Pontings successor. The pace bowling department is adequate, but without help from the conditions it can be toothless. Mitchell Johnson regaining form is of optimal importance to the attack. The spin bowling situation is a mess, and does not seem to be clearing up any time soon. The selectors need to stick with an option, maybe it will be Steve Smith, and give him time. Warne didn't start off like a train after all.

The worlds best side as recently as 2007, the current Australia line up are distinctly ordinary.

2010 music y'all!

2010-12-25T02:51:00.001-08:00

Here is a list of albums I liked this year. The banter will be nowhere near as witty as that damn Kumaboshi, but theres always next year. Here's my list of really mainstream records I liked, in no order, except my favourite coming last...

Deftones: Diamond Eyes
I love Deftones. Always have, always will. Heavy record from beginning to end, featuring none of the guff that dragged 'Saturday Night Wrist' down. Superb.
Bestest song? 'You've Seen the Butcher'.

The National: High Violet
The National doing what The National do. Playing sad sounding songs very well. Their last 3 records have been great, top work.
Bestest song? 'Bloodbuzz Ohio'.

Shoes and Socks Off: Robin Hood Waiter Champion Have Not
A pretty quiet year for Toby Hayes release wise, just the one album and an EP, but the album was cracking. 'CYF' is probably my favourite song this year, and the 10 videos that accompanied the songs were great as well, 'Here's My Head on a Plate' being the highlight. That more people don't adore this man is a crime.
Bestest song? 'CYF'.

Olafur Arnalds: '...And They Have Escaped the Weight of Darkness'.
Absolutely beautiful. Its not an album you find yourself humming afterwards, but whilst it is on it pretty much takes over the senses. And the work of one man? Extraordinary.
Bestest song? Couldnt possibly say. Its a 9 track one track.

Dinoasur Pile Up: Growing Pains
Nirvana were the first rock band I got into, obviously.This album is just sheer joy really, its nothing new and nothing startling, its basically a pick and choose of grunge classics, but played fast and enthusiastically. Became mine and Benjis party album atthe end of the year, and they are probably my favourite little british band coming through at the moment. Great fun!
Bestest song? 'Barce-loner'.

Far: At Night We Live
'Water and Solutions' used to be my favourite album. A lot of worries about this, I sort of expected it to come out like the Gratitude album (2 great songs and a load of guff), but the opening Ashley Morton riff of 'Deafening' really put that worry to bed. cracking return. And the 'Deafening' riff really is a description of Ashley Morton. 0-10-12?
Bestest song? 'At Night We Live'.

Brian Eno: Small Craft on a Milk Sea
Adam Hiles described this as like a 'greatest hits of entirely new material'. Thats exactly what it sounds like.
Bestest song? You can't have a favourite song on a Brian Eno album.

Dillinger Escape Plan: Option Paralysis
Its strange that for a band that is so constantly described as being unpredictable, you know exactly what you are going to get from a Dillinger album. The new drummer sounds great, and this album is just more consistent over all than 'Ire Works', even if it doesnt have a 'Milk Lizard' of THAT fill in 'Party Smasher'.
Bestest song: 'Gold Teeth on a Bum'

Joanna Newsom: Have One on Me
Oh, Joanna, you wonder you. Another epic piece of work from the little lady, its a long one but fully worth it. How she does it, I do not know. I'd love to see her live.
Bestest song: At the moment its 'Jackrabbits', but it changes frequently.

and my favourite album of the year is....

Daughters: Daughters
The first 2 albums were rubbish. Well, not rubbish, but nothing I've listened to more than twice. I had this on the ol' mp3 player all year, hadnt listened to it, no hopes for it. Cracked it on whilst thinking about this list, and JESUS CHRIST is it good. It sounds huge, like the angriest heaviest indie band possible, it just caves your head in, beautifully. I wish I was in a band that sounded like this more than anything.
Bestest song? 'The Hit'.

So thats 2010 done. Oceansize released a decent album this year, as did Envy, Rinoa, 65daysofstatic and a few others, but I haven't listened to them enough to make real judgments on. Jimmy Eat World released a very disappointing album. I haven't got the new MCR album yet. Maybe I should have waited before doing this list, but that would have resulted in me not actually doing it, and Paul Stott would have been angry then.

So what does next year have in store? Well, Fiona Apple should release something in the spring, the Young Legionnaire album is ready to go, and many more. But next year will be all about one thing, if it materialises. Tool. Tool. Tool. Tool. Tool.

Tool.

For me personally, me and Helena are go, so I'm off to Yorkshire to discover ales and pies. I say this every year, but I need to be more productive. There is talk of an actual Moses album, plus I keep talking to Barry about doing some sort of folk record, which would be nice. More importantly to me though, I have a total of 5 fully written Harald Math albums ('You and Others Around You', 'You Used to Warm Us Like the Sun', 'The Permanent Happiness of the Multiplication Table', 'There Was Nothing Left of Us in the Wilderness, Save What the Wilderness Kept for Itself' and 'One Day, the Water Will Wash All of this Away'. What cheery titles). I want to record them at Ashs and get Katie Glover and Mary Naylor to do art for them, and just have them in my collection. Its about bloody time.

I'd like to finish this Srebrenica book as well, and hopefully do a lot more Drug Robot stuff with Mary. I'd like to actually make a couple of other records as well, maybe one with Adam Lloyd, something with Frost, and who knows, maybe another Port Elizabeth record.

We shall see. In the meantine, Merry Christmas all, hope everyone has a good day celebrating not the birth of jesus.

It cannot be true 15.

2010-12-23T12:40:00.000-08:00

There are fewer than 2 days in a year on Mercury. Fact.

It cannot be true 14.

2010-12-16T04:43:00.000-08:00

Although peanut butter is considered a kids food, adults actually eat more peanut butter than kids in America every year. Fact.

I'm so lazy.

John Bills reads books XIII: Fight Club

2010-12-10T04:16:00.000-08:00

Fight Club was a damn fine book, that was much better than the movie. However, now I want to watch the movie instead of reading the book again. Read into that what you will.

John Bills reads books XII: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.

2010-12-07T12:08:00.000-08:00

Well, I could write a big review for this, or I could just do what I feel I should do. However, I am guilty myself here, I over excite about most things, so am loathe to do so again. Still, I will. 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close' is one of the best books I have ever read. From beginning to end, absolute beauty. Beauty in the saddest possible way. But, despite being very melancholy, there is a hope of sorts, and a complete appreciation and wide eyed wonder at life. The book makes you realise that we don't really have endless opportunities to do what we want, and that we need to make the most of what we have and when we have it. I find it hard to talk about this book without turning into a blubbering wreck, so I'll just say read it. Please.

It cannot be true 13

2010-12-06T14:11:00.000-08:00

No American has officially died of 'old age' since 1951, when that classification was eliminated from death certificates. Fact.

John Bills reads books XI: The Time Traveler's Wife

2010-12-06T10:57:00.000-08:00

Well, Helena told me to read it, so I did. She also told me to read the twilight books, and I haven't done so yet. I will, just not yet. But yeah, The Time Traveler's Wife. Another book I expected to seriously dislike, but I ended up thoroughly enjoying it. Sure it was too slick and cool in some places, and Henrys love of American punk annoyed me for some reason, but it was a good read, a page turner, with believable characters (except that damn Gomez) and an engrossing story. Impressive. It did freak me out whenever sex was mentioned though, there would be a chunk of pages very innocent before BOOM, sexual references ahoy. Crazy stuff.

It cannot be true 12

2010-10-18T00:56:00.000-07:00

Sarajevo was the first city in Europe to have a a full time electrical tram line. Fact.

Heart disease is the biggest killer in the world.

2010-10-16T23:22:00.000-07:00

I was dry for a week! I think this is how its going to be from now on, I'm either going to be dry for a week or dry full stop. Last night, as it was (supposedly) Michael's last night, we went for a beer at the globetrotters place, which is pretty darn awesome. It's similar to Zlatna Ribica in Sarajevo in a was, very oft-centre, lots of old vinyl on the walls, tables of differing styles and whatnot. Really cool place, very nice staff as well. Yes, that means hot Slavic girls. A few drinks were had, a wide range of strange conversations as well, covering all of the topics of the world it would seem, from fornication in a dorm, toilet etiquette (seemingly my specialist subject) and fighting. Yes, the midget story was told. I don't even know how much truth there is in that story anymore. I'm pretty sure 100% of it is embellishment. There was fashion TV on the screen as well, and a very strange catwalk show of guys modeling normal clothes, but with very beat up faces. Like, abused young man fashion. Really strange. A good night though, but my morning feeling confirms what I think about alcohol. I wasn't hungover, not by any stretch of the imagination, but my stomach was uncomfortable enough for me to want to continue this alcohol strike. Its for the best.

I went to Novi Sad for the day yesterday, and it is exactly what I imagine Russia looks like. It's nice, don't get me wrong, the main square is great and the old town around the fortress is very interesting, but still. It's not a must see by any means, but pleasant enough. There was a guy on my train who looked just like Darren Gough as well. I was genuinely tempted to go up to him and start speaking about the Ashes, but luckily I didn't, as he started bellowing into a phone in deep gruff Serbian.

What else have I done this week? Not much really, pretty much everything that Belgrade has to offer. Sveti Sava (the worlds biggest Orthodox church), St Marks Cathedral (a pretty big, pretty church), Kalemegdan Fortress (now conquered by benches) and Tito's mausoleum. The mausoleum is very interesting, and is a must for any Yugoslav nut. The room full of batons as well. They were batons from the old Relay of Youth, a celebration that happened in Yugoslavia for Tito's birthday. Someone would start in the town he was born, and a baton would be carried throughout the country culminating in Belgrade. There was a photo of one of the celebrations, and the choreography put North Korea to shame.

Seriously, I'll leave for Italy tomorrow. I'm treating this as going from Yugoslavia to Italy. I have no idea where to go in Italy, I don't know anything about it, but I'm going to go and find somewhere to read about it now. This has been a pretty boring entry, and I've been pretty bored writing it. I apologise.

John Bills reads books X: Snuff

2010-10-15T00:50:00.000-07:00

I'm a big fan of ol' Palahniuk. There is something very readable about it, despite his subject matter usually being at the edge of what would be considered easy. 'Snuff' centres around one aging porn star's attempt to break the world record for number of different erm, partners in one fornication film. The book focuses mainly on 3 of the 600, and the producer of the film. The 4 main characters lives are inexplicably intertwined (well that sounds fancy), and it all builds up to a very funny ending, with many twists along the way.

One of the funniest parts of 'Snuff' are the constant reworkings of popular films for pornographic remakes. My personal favourite being 'Catch her in the eye'. I laughed for a good solid minute after that. Palahniuk once again manages to make a very funny book out of a pretty serious subject matter, which when you step back and think about it no longer becomes funny. But by gum I laughed, oh yes indeed.

I'm still in Belgrade. My 2 days has become 7. This is deja vu.

butcher it today.

2010-10-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

This has been a nice calm few days. The day after the riots everything was back to normal. It all happened very quickly really, even by Sunday evening. Cleaners sorted the streets out, smashed windows were boarded up and shops re-opened. Buses back on the roads. It was as if the old men walking their dogs during the riots were on to something, that the people of this country are just bored of all of this. Last night I was in a bar (my main reason for going was to test myself, I have gone 3 days without alcohol and wanted to see if I could go to a bar and avoid it. I did!) and the Serbia/Italy game was on TV. Except the game wasn't on, because the Serb fans were throwing fireworks and flares onto the pitch, delaying the kick off and eventually causing the game to be abandoned. The figures in the crowd were indestinguishable to the hooligans causing trouble on Sunday. Everyone in the bar was thoroughly embarrased, almost laughing it off. People were essentially saying 'here we go again'.

So thats that really. A small number of idiotic nationalists ruining the reputation of a country. It has been this way since the end of Yugoslavia, and probably beforehand. The Serbs came out of the conflict as the villains. Please be aware that there is a big difference between people in political power and ordinary people. There is also a big difference between hooligans and ordinary people. The nationalist thugs who murdered the reputation of this country during the war and who continually butcher it today are not human beings, they are primal thugs. Ordinary Serbs are wonderful people, really wonderful. Comic side note possibly, but the nicest service industry I've ever experienced is here! Even the supermarket checkout people are beaming!

All I am saying is that please don't lump everyone in this country with the idiots you see on the news.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, me. (HAH!). I walked out to Zemun on Monday, which was really nice. It's a whole 6km away, so that was pretty refreshing to do. Zemun is a small town just outside of Belgrade, very calm and very relaxing. Nice old streets filled with cafes, a little snapshot of the Balkans. I headed there, had me some coffee and a pizza, ambled around and walked back. The walk back was lovely as well, along the river, and my legs were thoroughly goosed. On my return I decided to buy a book to read alongside 'War and Peace'. I ended up buying 'Snuff' by Chuck Palahniuk, and settled down to read.

The next morning I finished 'Snuff'. Very funny book. In the last 2 days I've been to Sveti Sava, which is the largest orthodox cathedral in the world, Kalemegdan fortress and today I went to Tito's grave. Josip Broz Tito was president of the second Yugoslavia, and is genuinely missed by a lot of people in this region. The Yugoslavia that he created was by no means a socialist paradise, but according to the people I have spoken to it was a pretty great place to live. Travel was easy, jobs were plentiful, artistic creativity was abound and people were happy. I'd go so far as to say that 80 to 90% of people I have spoken to about this would go back to the Yugoslav years in a second. Tito's grave is found in the House of Flowers, as well as a small collection of Yugoslav memorabilia. It's well worth a visit, if only for the huge collection of batons. A must see for anyone interested in Yugoslav history, which I'm pretty sure out of anyone who would read this is only me.

So I'm still in Belgrade. A couple of days ago I said that I really want to go and travel a little bit around somewhere other than the former Yugoslavia before I go home. The direct translation of that has turned out to be 'I'm going to travel a little more around the former Yugoslavia'. PREDICTABLE.

Yesterday I had a bacon sandwich and watched Russia Today. It's like being in Wales but being in Belgrade!

John Bills reads books IX: 1984

2010-10-11T12:03:00.001-07:00

Everyone has read this book. Well, I assume that, or at least everyone should. I'm not saying its the best thing ever, its not. It isn't even my own favourite dystopian book (Go Zamyatin!). However, it is a damn fine book. I always read it and remember that at the heart of the horror and sheer bleakness is a pretty touching love story. The trials and tribulations of Winston and Julia's relationship is completely engaging, and you just want it to work out. Obviously, it doesn't work out, and it never was going to work out, but nevermind hey. The visions that are created by Orwell throughout this book are perfectly believable as well, which is a little terrifying. This is a frustrating book, but by that I do not mean its frustrating to read. Its more frustrating due to the big brother character and the way the world works in it. So you aren't frustrated with Orwell or the writing, more the book totally brings you into its world and its a frustrating one. Does that make sense? Who knows. Good book.

It cannot be true 11

2010-10-11T00:16:00.000-07:00

Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung. Fact.

Backpacking tip number 2

2010-10-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

Choose your hostels based on other backpackers recommendations. Always.

Tesla and Tear Gas.

2010-10-10T07:41:00.000-07:00

Well, the morning was lovely. I got up early, as has been the case recently, had 2 (count em, 2) coffees and headed out for what would surely be the highlight of Belgrade for me. The Nikola Tesla museum is a small 4 room museum choc full of his inventions, his plans and the story of his business naivety. There is also a video documenting his life and work, and it is impossible to deny how much of a genius this man was. Yes, I would go so far as to saying the greatest man that ever lived. It's a sad picture of the world we live in when an invention he was working on that would provide the world with free energy was denied funding as nobody would make any money off of it. Also, a ray beam he was working that would make war obsolete was also stopped. So a man could have provided the world with peace and free energy, but the world deemed it not necessary. Go figure. Nikola Tesla was absolutely vital, and unfortunately it is now too late. The museum is great, well worth a visit when in Belgrade. I headed for the exit, pleased with my morning and planning a day trip to Zemun, a short bus ride from the centre.

My plans were swiftly quashed however, just a short walk later. Columns of riot police blockaded streets, and my attention was quickly drawn to a large garbage container. That was knocked over. And on fire. Hmmm. I scanned the scene, and could see many other displaced bins, and large chunks of concrete all over the place. Bus shelters were also a bit worse for wear. For some reason, the idea placed in my head was to head down to the centre, to follow the noise and bustle, and to see whats going on. I had a vague idea (by that I mean I knew what was going on, and was curious).

The police presence was huge, and there was basically a stand off. Protesters were throwing concrete and bricks at the police, who were responding in kind. Everyone seemed angry, threats and nationalist slogans were being screamed, and the whole situation was pretty tense. Despite my best wisdom, I continued walking towards this, fully enjoying my make believe role as a conflict journalist. What do I get? A full scale riot, thats what. I decided to head back to the hostel, and watched the violence from there. Insane. The nationalists threw debris at the police, the police responded with tear gas. Tear gas really bloody hurts, I can honestly say that now. It really, really hurts.

Belgrade is a mess. The streets are lined with overturned smoking bins, the ethnographic museum has been trashed, the Democratic Party HQ has been half destroyed and a few shop fronts are ruined. There was a gay pride parade in Belgrade today, and I was told to expect a bit of violence, but full scale rioting I did not expect. A cleaning team has begun work, but its going to take a bit of time I would suspect. The amazing thing is that whilst all this was going on, some people were still walking around with their dogs, as if nothing was happening. Mental.

What all of this shows, without a shadow of doubt, is that Serbia has big problems. 20 years of complete international isolation has left a chunk of the people completely ruined, and full of hate towards the outside world. They have been brought up believing that the world is against them, and they are doing all they can, which is fight back. The worrying thing about these riots, aside from the general riots, was the age of many of the protesters. These weren't middle aged bitter war veterans, these were people of my age and younger. Angry young boys. This country needs something good to happen to turn it around, but I have no idea what. And it is a shame, because I know a lot of fantastic Serbs, and the country itself is a beautiful place. However, it continues to be in the headlines for the wrong reasons.

I will reiterate however, that Nikola Tesla completely rules.

Backpacking tip number 1.

2010-10-09T16:12:00.000-07:00

When you are in a new city, and you have a faint idea of what you are doing but are a little uncomfortable, make sure you walk around with a very angry face. Nobody will mess with you if you look completely miffed.

The A-Z of Awesome: D

2010-10-08T23:51:00.000-07:00

D is for Devil and Casey Jones

I think I've talked about this band more than most bands over the last 5 years. Yes, Tool have been talked about a lot, Yourcodenameis:Milo have been talked about a lot, but if there was some sort of list of bands that have received the most airtime from my mouth, Devil and Casey Jones would be right up there in the top 3. The reasons why have been gone over and over and over, but they all remain completely relevant, and the fact that this band no longer exist is a crying shame. The phrase crying shame is ridiculous, but I'm going with it.

The first time I encountered this band was at a gig at Scruffy Murphys in Birmingham. My memory is a little clouded, and either us or them were a replacement band that night. As the evening started, my hopes were low for the other bands, as we had played with some stinkers over that summer, so I assumed we would watch them and then forget about them the next day. So they played, and I'll be honest, I wasn't entirely blown away straight off the bat. I enjoyed it, that much is true, more so than all of the bands we had played with, but I wasn't fawning. Not quite yet. They were good, that could not be denied. The songs were hooky and clever, but there seemed to be a certain awkwardness about them, and at that time I was knee deep in chug, so I wanted my bands to be chunky. They were selling a 2 track CD containing 'Militia' (which I clearly remember being my favourite of theirs at the time) and 'Every Stray Bullet Carves a Bloody Swathe Through History'. I spoke to Alex a little bit about playing more gigs and other things, and that was that. We played, Andrew cracked his face open, they went to hospital, me and Ben watched a lion train station chomp film with the Scruffys owner. Good night.

So I listened to the cd a few times, thought it was cracking. Stayed in contact with Alex via email and he was talking about an album they were recording, and he offered to mail me the demos. He did this, and this is when I was blown away. The recordings weren't of great quality, obviously, they were demos, but the songs were absolutely wonderful. Every single one of them, without fail, was catchy as hell, witty, and had a depth that I thought every band was missing. And by that I don't mean every band we played with, I mean EVERY band. This was the pop band I was waiting for. By pop I don't mean The Vengaboys, I mean guitar driven songs with hooks.

I played that CD to death that summer. My favourite song would change depending on the time of day, and we conspired to play more gigs with them. Henceforth ran a beautiful relationship, heh. We were asked to play at the album launch, which was a great night, and they were the first (and one of only 3, the others being Call it a Clunes and Phema) band we played with that we all agreed were excellent. The fully recorded album was great, and at the release they played a couple of new songs that hinted at better things to come. Better things indeed came. All of this led up to 'Devil and Casey Jones Rule Intensive Care', which was the last album, which is undoubtedly one of my all time favourite records. I mean that as well, its just a stunning piece of work. I wish, dearly wish, that we played with more bands like this, and it baffles me to this day how more people didn't fall in love with this band. Most of the people I know like their music to be catchy, but they also talk of wanting it to be intelligent. That is exactly what this band were. An intelligent pop band.

Their evolution as a live band was startling as well. There was a little awkwardness as I said when I first saw them, but I clearly remember at the last gig (the 30 song bonanza a while back) thinking that they were an absolute machine. Songs like 'The Nativity' just sounded absolutely huge, that was the chunk that was missing first time.

And on top of it all, they are the nicest, most awesome group of guys you could wish to meet. If I could go back in time, I would be a rich man and organise a summer long tour with the 2 of us, that would have been wonderful. And if I win a substantial sum of money, I'm paying them to make another record.

So yeah, one of my all time favourite bands, and if you gave the time to listen to them you would say the same. And its not a case of money, you can download their ENTIRE discography at www.dacj.com. I suggest starting with 'Rule Intensive Care'. Please do.

Seriously, go and do it.

(Alex, I'd like my payment in Euros please. Thank you).

John Bills reads books VIII: I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

2010-10-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

Well, this book doesn't beat around the bush too much. To put it mildly, this is a book about young guys getting drunk and doing very silly things, varying from funny to idiotic to insulting and pretty much everything in between. I can't deny it, it did have me laughing pretty hard at various points, but there is only so long that you can read about how drunk someone was, and Tucker Max himself comes across as probably the most reprehensible human being possible. I also found out this has been made into a film, but I won't be seeing that. In conclusion, the book is very funny but also very embarrassing.

From now on, all of these book reviews are going to be like this, because I am lazy.

Srebreniča.

2010-10-07T23:53:00.000-07:00

This is about a trip to Srebreniča. If you do not know what or where Srebreniča is, then please google it. It was the site of Europes biggest mass murder since World War 2, where in the space of 3 days the Bosnian Serb army massacred over 8000 Bosnian Muslim men and boys, as well as ethnically cleansing over 30,000 Muslims from the entire region, whilst the UN just stood and watched. It isn't pleasant reading, but allowing it to be swept under the carpet is not an option. Please read about it.
____________________________________________________________________
Yesterday morning, myself and Beth (the Canadian with the pornographic parents) headed out to Srebreniča. Unfortunately, all the buses that head to what is now the Republika Srpska go from East Sarajevo, or Istočno Sarajevo. This is a good 20 minutes away in a taxi, and Istočno Sarajevo feels like a different world to the rest of the city. It is much poorer, more desolate, more abandoned. There are doesn't seem to be anything there, except small shops, big flats and a bus station. We arrived there, and Beth made the mistake of commenting on the hilarity of Italian accents, so for a lot of the time afterwards I was all 'Bari! Gary! Wherea dida you geta da clapa from?!'. Saying Bari or Gary in an Italian accent is A LOT of fun.

Anyway, there is not much to say about the journey from Sarajevo to Srebreniča over than that it is long, and looks a bit like Wales from time to time. I know that sounds ridiculous, but after being here for a little while its really amazing how similair the 2 countries in terms of country side. There were many times yesterday when looking out the window that I could have believed I was in Powys. I get very Welsh when traveling, my Welsh pride beams through and I even start talking with an accent, until I realise that and feel silly. There was nobody else on the bus either, except the driver, a middle aged woman and an old lady who I swear was no younger than 112. We stopped in the mountains for toilets and whatnot, and whilst standing outside I took the plunge and engaged in a small conversation with the middle aged woman. We established pretty quickly that I can't speak the lingo (she actually thought I was from Russia to begin with) so I tried to steer the conversation in the direction of a subject I'm confident with in Bosnian.

The weather.

Oh yes, so I talked to this lady for about 5 minutes about how cold (hladno) it was, how winter (zima) is coming and whether it is going to be a rainy (kišovito) and windy (vjetrovito) one. I felt oh so smug, I even translated a little for Beth. The whole thing made me want to make more effort with learning the language for next year, so that is my Christmas plan I think. The rest of the drive was pretty unremarkable, it is amazing how attention spans get snapped when bored. I was amazed by a pretty fence at one point, and then shocked at a towel with a picture of a dolphin on it. I also noticed how corn fields look like a mass of Praying Mantis' (Praying mantii?). That's what a degree gets you.

We arrived in Srebreniča and immediately it was clear, this place was desolate. We walked uphill to see the town, and walked past what looked like the most depressing high school in history. This was the first time traveling, possibly ever, where I have beenvery aware that I am a tourist. EVERYONE looked at us in strange manners. Being the idiot that I am, I enjoyed it, and embraced the stares, occasionally staring back. I find that the trick is to stare back, and look a bit angry. Anyway, we walked around this town with nothing in it, turned a corner and were shocked to see a big huge supermarket, very modern, very new. It sums up the Balkans really, absolute destruction with a big shiny shopping centre in the middle. In all fairness, it was a fantastic supermarket, but that isn't the point. Oh, and best toilets in Bosnia.

We got a taxi out to the memorial at Potočari. The memorial has got a large curved marble board with all the names of the bodies who have been identified so far, and it is absolutely the most sobering thing I have seen on travels. When someone quotes a number to you (in this case, 8372 dead) it is impossible to really fathom the size of it, as it is just a number. At this memorial though, it really gets driven home. You see it in front of you, and you can't see it ending. One of the most shocking things about the list of names as well was that you could see how entire families were wiped out, and the range of ages. There really aren't any words that can be said, except expletives and gasps. It must be seen really.

One very interesting thing at the moment is directly behind the memorial. There is a small hill with a couple of houses set on them, which I assume are lived in by Muslims. And directly behind the memorial, probably one metre behind, they have erected 4 large billboards containing statements such as 'Serbia is responsible for this genocide' and 'Serbia = Aggressor = Genocide, Dayton = Republika Srpska'. Srebreniča is currently part of the Serb half of Bosnia (a ruling from Dayton that essentially justified the genocide), so these billboards are a brave statement. Me and Beth had no idea what to make of them, it was crazy.

We then headed across the road to the abandoned buildings there, on a hunch that they might have been the old UN compound. We were right! Wahey! Good old John Bills Eastern Europe hunches. Anyway, as is the way with abandoned buildings around here, we crept in and explored. After a while, it was clear that there was one main reason to continue exploring, and that was the graffiti. This was where the Dutch UN soldiers were stationed, and they were obviously an eccentric lot judging by the graffiti. There are a lot of makeshift calendars there, and a lot of showings of being starved sexually. It was very, very bizarre. There was one large wall sized drawing, it had a little village to the left being attacked by tanks, and then a river of blood flowing from the town with a naked woman on it, and the blood became a snake. Very strange.

After that we headed back to town for a bit before getting the bus home. The bus home was much quicker and headed to the main Sarajevo bus station, so that was all pretty easy. Well, easy except for when Beth spilt her beer all over both of our legs. Bad move Weisenberger.

Within reason, it was a really good day. As with most memorials of this type, they are important for memory and should be seen. The fact that the event happened in the first place is disgusting, so I see no problem with visitors to memorials. If the world forgot everything bad that happened, these massacres would be more frequent. So I don't want say I had a lot of fun, because I didn't (although the bus journeys were pleasant, Beth is officially my favourite Canadian who isn't called Chris Jericho). But I did find my feet firmly on the ground and furthered understanding of events such as this. So yeah, thats about it.

Lazy day today, and then Belgrade tomorrow. It's Tesla time.

Fellatioraptor.

2010-10-06T22:10:00.000-07:00

Wow, no sleep. Let's see just how strong this Bosnian coffee is.

Yesterday I was told one of the most disturbing, but funny stories I have ever heard. Sitting in the common room of the hostel, chatting away with a few people as you do. The subject was movies, and I brought up how much Ashley Morton loves Jurassic Park. And rightly so, it is awesome. Everyone was in agreement to the awesomeness of the movie, except for one Canadian girl called Beth. She said she 'hated' Jurassic Park. Now, hate is a strong word, one that is used way too readily by most people, and I would normally have dismissed this as another way of her saying she did not enjoy the movie. However, its Jurassic bleedin' Park, how can you not love this movie? So I inquired further. This proved to be a mistake.

Turns out young Beth, a political scientist from Vancouver, was once deciding with her siblings what movie they would watch that evening. The choice of videos lay in their parents collection, so as they were rifling through them, they noticed one marked 'Jurassic Park'. They did the same math everyone else did back in the day. Spielberg + Dinosaurs + Jeff Goldblum + Newman = Awesome. So it was decided, Jurassic Park would be watched. They sat down, pushed the movie in, and pressed play.

However, a problem soon became apparent. In the beginnings of this movie, there was no team member being savaged by a Velociraptor, and there was certainly no Dr Grant working in the deserts. What there was however, was fairly explicit sexual content, two people who are obviously quite fond of each other practicing the art of fornication.

These two people were Beth's parents.

Well, I certainly could not continue any conversation after that, as it was nigh on impossible to stop laughing. Poor Beth, but still, pretty darn funny.

After the hilarity, today I am heading to Srebreniča, which I advise you looking up. It is not pleasant. To put it in a nutshell, it is the location of Europes 21st century genocide.

the hope that house built.

2010-10-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

We went on a tour today, ran by good old (dobri stari, if we're talking Bosnian) Haris in Sarajevo. I wasn't sure what to expect when it started, as I'm used to Bata's tours, which are renowned as the be all and end all of city tours, as a thing of wonder. As per usual, there was a snorer in my room, so I woke up early, made some Bosnian coffee and sat outside for a bit. People complain about having to walk up the hill to Haris' hostel here, but the view from the top is nothing short of stunning, especially in the morning. So I made me a pot of coffee and sat outside for a bit. Walked into town, stopped by in Haris' office to speak to his lovely assistant Juliet, an Australian girl from Norwich who has lived in the Balkans for 15 months or so. She's pretty awesome, even if she does copy my different coloured sleeves style. Whats up with that?

So, the tour. The first stop was the tunnel museum just outside of the city, which I have seen before. Its interesting, mostly because of the story behind it. During the war, Sarajevo was completely under siege, so there was no way in and no way out of the city, its inhabitants were trapped. The idea was planted, and they decided to build a tunnel out of the city. Soldiers on both sides started digging, and 4 months later they eventually met in the middle. So this tunnel was the only way in or out of the city, the only way to get supplies in, and the only for the Bosnian army in the city to get weapons. Basically, it saved the city. It was literally built starting in a family house as well, which is pretty awesome. So you can go there today and check it out. You watch a video about the tunnel, then there is a little museum and a small stretch of the tunnel still standing. It's very interesting, and impossible to fathom.

The next part of the tour, was really eerie. In 1984, Sarajevo hosted the winter Olympics, becoming the first socialist host. It's not something you can avoid in the city really, they are incredibly proud of this. There is a museum for it and everything, which we went to later in the afternoon, and was interesting, complete with hilarious 80's video. Anyway, the interesting part. Haris took us up to the bobsleigh track that was used in the aforementioned Olympics. All very normal I guess, only that the track itself is completely abandoned, overgrown and ruined. It was very, very interesting. There are a lot of things like this in Eastern Europe, but it is clear that there is something beautiful about abandoned structures. In many ways, a structure being completely destroyed leaves a greater beauty than something that just gets forgotten. In a forgotten structure, you tend to look at them and think, 'aah, that used to be pretty. sad times'. In destroyed things, you tend to paint your own picture of how they were, and they have an added poignancy.

That's probably the lamest thing I've said, I hope Gary Brennan doesn't read this.

We also went to a traditional old Bosnian house, some lovely panoramic views of the city, and the Latin Bridge where Gavrilo Princip started World War 1 by assasinating Farnz Ferdinand, declaring war on Serbia, mobilizing the Russian Army, invading Belgium, burning down Germany, leading three separate colonial uprisings in Africa and positing the theory of Social Darwinism as related to imperialism, nationalism and domectis economies. Or maybe just the first of those. The world blames him though. We finished the tour by eating (what else) some čevapi, and by god it was the best čevapi I have had all summer. Fantastic.

Tonight I'm going to watch a brass orchestra, and tomorrow I'm going to Srebreniča. Variety might just be the spice of life.

heavy music is not depressing 04

2010-10-05T06:19:00.001-07:00

welcome to mostar.

2010-10-05T05:56:00.000-07:00

Ok, so you probably gathered from the drive over here that we are a little bit hidden, so these are some things to look out for. Take a left outside, follow the road and you'll go over 2 small stumpy bridges, probably not worthy of the term bridge. Carry on round and you'll get to the Konzum supermarket. Take a left from there and walk in a straight line, you'll go past the unnecessarily large Franciscan church. It's tower was 2/3's smaller before the war, and was rebuilt afterward. It's a statement, nothing else. Much like that huge cross on the top of the hill. Nothing religious, more of a reminder, a statement. You get to the main road, Bulevar, which was the front line during the war and still divides the city to this day. Yes, Mostar is divided. You have the catholic side, and the Muslim side. Not so many tensions between individuals anymore, but institutionally there are still problems. Cross the road, keep going straight and you will arrive in the old town. Its a pretty small old town, it doesn't have the many side streets that places like Sarajevo and Dubrovnik have, but that doesn't mean its boring, not by any means. You could easily spend your entire day just in there. There are the 2 streets, one leading towards the bridge and another leading away. These are both filled with souvenir shops and cafes.

Ah, the old bridge. Stari Most. The reason most people come to Mostar, the most famous symbol of Bosnia, the biggest symbol of multi-ethnicity in Yugoslavia. It's a big deal around here, and rightfully so, as its a stunning piece of work. Especially at night, it gets lit up and its almost magical, for want of a better term. The best view? Well, as you are walking towards the old town, take a right just before you get onto the cobblestones. Follow that road round and you'll have a car park on the one side of the road, and a downhill path on the other side. Go down that path, and you have a beautiful view looking up at the bridge. Its where most of the postcards are taken from. Its wonderful, you can sit down there with a beer or 2, there is a bar there during the summer. Very pleasant.

Number 4 on our map is a mosque and you can climb the minaret. From the top you get stunning panoramic views of the entire city, its very beautiful. For me though, the most interesting part is that you can see how different the 2 sides of the city are. For instance, on the Croatian side of the city, you have scores of high rise buildings and large multi-story shopping centres. However, on the Bosnian side, there is nothing like that. One other thing about the mosque is that it gets busy, so if you are there and its busy I would suggest going away and coming back later. climbing the stairs can be a bit of a nightmare sometimes.

Carry on straight and you head out of the old town, into a more modern pedestrianized area with those new fangled pavement things. Are you a vegetarian? No? Good. The best restaurant on the city is right here. Number 18 is the Karađoz-Begova mosque, it has the Turkish bank opposite it. Take the right past the mosque, and there is a restaurant in its back yard called Saray. The food is amazing, and it is ridiculously cheap. I mean, you get a big plate of food, meat, salad, chips and pita bread, all for 6KM, which is what, 3 Euros? They do small portions as well which are by no means small, for half that prices. The staff are great, the location is great. You can get good cheap food in the old town, but you'll be eating with tourists. Saray is very popular with local people, it gives you a more authentic feel.

Take a left at the top of the road and you go over Maršal Tito bridge, keep going and you get back to the main road. This is Spanish square, which has a monument dedicated to Spanish soldiers who died during and after the war. Next to this is the Austro-Hungarian grammar school. The big yellow and orange building. I used to think it looked a bit like a block of cheese, but its grown on me. Most interestingly here though, is on the road going past Spanish square. Here you have a 9 story building, completely destroyed. It was a bank before the war, and was used as a snipers nest during the war by mercenaries. You can go there during the day time and explore a little. The 2nd floor still has documents from the bank spread out over the floor, and on the top floors there are little piles of bullets. Its very surreal, very intimidating, very eerie. You won't go there and have a lovely time, but it is definitely very interesting to see. I wouldn't go there at night though, for a few reasons. One, there is a lot of glass on the floor, so you are practically walking on glass. Also, there are 3 unused elevator shafts that are just big drops, so watch your step. Its also pretty popular with homeless people and junkies at night, so don't go then. In the day time however, definitely worth seeing.

Rondo is the roundabout in the Croatian side of the city, and this street here is just choc full of bars, cafes and shopping centres. There isn't really much in the way of culture over here, but again it is very interesting to see the differences between the 2 sides of the city. Its also a good place to go for a coffee or a beer, just for the sheer amount of choice.

And thats pretty much Mostar. There are other things obviously, the Partizan cemetery, Pavarotti, the crater that started the war and whatnot, but this will do for now. I'm here pretty much all the time, so if you have any questions at any point don't hesitate to ask. I'll get you guys a key, the deposit for that is 10KM or 5Euros, and if I could get your passports then that'll be lovely. Done.

Mostar, its been a pleasure.

It cannot be true 10

2010-10-04T14:06:00.001-07:00

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a years supply of footballs. Fact.

if life is pointless, then point taken.

2010-10-03T07:24:00.000-07:00

So last night was Haris hostel in Sarajevo's 7th anniversary. I knew that there was going to be a party, but was pretty sure I was going to miss it until Friday evening, when in a seemingly swift decision I decided why not. So, after a brief meeting with Salco at the bus station, I got on a bus and headed to Sarajevo. I think I pretty much just expected a few drinks at the hostel, but what actually happened was much different.

Haris had booked a restaurant pretty much entirely to ourselves. So we had Haris, his family and friends, some Balkan hostel working people (me included! Mostar representative!) and the guests that were in the hostel, all of whom seemingly had stayed in Mostar with us over the last few weeks. So we all sat down at the restaurant with a set menu, and it transpired that everything was paid for. So the 4 course meal was paid for, and the bar was indeed open. Wow. There must have been at least 30 or 40 of us, and it was a good quality restaurant. There was even a live band walking around the place. Whoever paid that bill is a wealthy man. The food was great, started with a begova soup, then a cold plate of meats with salad, and a main course of chicken fillet. Perfect! The food was very good, and the setting was lovely. I was at a table with some guests, and we had a great variety of fascinating conversations, covering topics such as existence, vegetarianism, gingers, music and of course, Tesla. Someone made the mistake of bringing Tesla up and I was off, ranting and ranting about how awesome he was. Then someone made the even bigger mistake of mentioning Tool.

I think the direct quote was 'Tool fans are easily the most intense fans in the world'. Its true, without a doubt. I could talk about Tool non stop, with no problem. Really cool atmosphere to the whole thing, very happy. There was a club attached to the restaurant as well so we headed there, and I eventually went to another club with Raveen and Kav and some others. I don't like clubs, never will, but all in all it was a great evening. Sarajevo is a wonderful place, really special. Deserves more time.

However, the first thing someone said to me in the morning was 'thank you for sharing that with us last night John'. I can only assume I was laying bare all of my ills, and probably talking about girls a lot. It happens.

Now to compile a list of 10 things I thought I'd never do. I'll be assigned 2, which I must do. Cannot wait.

Des Ark.

2010-10-02T02:09:00.000-07:00

I have been here for 2 months, and already the corner shop man thinks I'm a legend, Saray claim to have had their best summer ever and think I am the reason, the burek delivery man waves to me from his moped and people are buying me drinks in Pavarotti.

This has been a good summer.

just remember...

2010-10-01T13:11:00.001-07:00

The A-Z of awesome: C

2010-10-01T03:45:00.000-07:00

C is for Crisps.

Well, what else was it going to be? I can't remember my first packet of crisps, but by that same token I can't remember a time when I didn't eat crisps. I clearly remember getting 2 packets from the kitchen and hiding one by my side as I walked past my parents, hoping they wouldn't notice. One of the best things about university was that I was in complete charge of my own crisp stocks, and there was rarely a time when there were no crisps. Even during the times with little money, there was always enough money for crisps. And I don't just mean tescos own, I mean a proper selection of potato chips. Different flavours, different shapes, different textures. They are so varied, and that is why they are the finest of all snacks.

It is without doubt the main thing I miss about home. In Bosnia, and Eastern Europe in general, the crisp selection is generally pitiful. You have salted crisps, and paprika crisps, and thats pretty much it 80% of the time. No variation in size and shape, and very little flavour variation. Just standard size and shape, salted or paprika. I miss walking into a corner shop, even the worst little corner shop, and spending a long time sizing up the crisp selection. Even in the lamest shops, you'll at least have your standard walkers flavours, some french fries, quavers, wotsits, hula hoops, some walkers max if your lucky, and of course mccoys. You can't beat a good packet of steak McCoys.

You seriously can't beat a good packet of steak McCoys. Especially a pack with a healthy dose of topping. And even better, a good packet of steak Roysters, with a health dose of topping. Oh christ I miss crisps.

The very first thing I do when I get home, as soon as I'm in the airport, is going to be to head to the shop, and buy a crisp selection. Some cheese and onion french fries. Salt and vinegar hula hoops. Salted squares. And of course, some steak McCoys/Roysters.

John Bills reads books VII: Keep the Aspidistra Flying

2010-09-30T04:39:00.000-07:00

Great book, fully believable characters. A lot of the book is general Orwell fare, apathy to society, a disdain for humanity whilst truly desiring to be a passive part of it, muted resistance to the norms of the world. There is nothing particularly outstanding about this book, nothing that would recommend it above other Orwell books like '1984' or even 'Burmese Days', but even so, its a great little read. By no means long, the characters develop sufficiently to keep you interested. Rosemary's affection and love for Gordon, even in the face of humiliation, does fill you with a sense of hope in the idea of love. This has done no good for my attempts to live in the real world and not in the wonderland of fiction, but still, it don't 'arf put a nice feeling in your tummy.

The most worrying part of this book for me however, was the lines I could draw between Gordon and myself. This was particularly true of the chapter where he receives money and proceeds to blow it all in one foul swoop on alcohol and pointless fun, before waking and wanting the world not so much to swallow him, more to allow him to sink to a position so low that his actions would become meaningless and there would be no place for him to be 'burdened' by expectation. Oh so many times over my last 6 months in Liverpool did this scenario seem ideal, a night of drinking and doing very silly things before waking up and just wanting to slink off into the undergrowth. It isn't healthy, not in the slightest.

This book is strange for Orwell however, in that it has something resembling a happy ending. I don't mean to spoil the book, but I will, so here we are. At the end, Gordon receives news that presents him with 2 choices. Either avoid it and continue his miserable existence, or embrace it and force himself back into society, and for want of a better term, grow up. He chooses the growing up option, and the reader feels genuinely happy for him, and even relieved. It made me want the safety of marriage, family and a normal steady job. Time to grow up indeed.

I don't enjoy writing these book reviews, if you could even call them that. I just don't know what to do with them, do I tell you everything that happens in the book, or just a synopsis? Does anyone actually read this? You poor thing!

'Keep the Aspidistra Flying' is a good book. End.

its ridiculous, no more waiting.

2010-09-29T10:11:00.001-07:00

To soak it in.

2010-09-29T02:21:00.000-07:00

Strange dreams again last night. First of all, I was somewhere that looked sort of like the hostel, only far bigger with more open indoor areas. It started to rain, only slightly, so we all started to remove all of the covers and pillows and blankets from outside, so they wouldn't get wet. After moving 2 benches to the main building, I went into the little side room to see what was going on in there. To my surprise and shock, Bethan was sitting on the first chair inside. She was a little grown up and had developed perfect speech. She seemed very smiley, despite all of the pestering I was doing. I asked her what I could do to help, and she said that there wasn't anything, that everything was fine. I said that it obviously wasn't, but she just kept saying that everything is OK, that there isn't anything I can do. This exchange went on for a while, I kept trying to pick her up to take her outside but she wouldn't let me. Everything is fine, that was all she would say. This was frustrating, but calming at the same time. As with all dreams that have Bethan in, it did not last long enough. I could feel myself willing it to continue. I would give up the real world to exist purely in that small portion of a dream.

What happened next was a bit of a blur. The rain grew heavier, I startled and looked outside. People were scattering around, either heading inside the building or out of the premises all together. I returned my glance to the room I was in and Bethan had gone. I headed outside to be in the rain, to soak it in, to do my usual Shawshank's Redemption impression. I stood outside, threw my arms out and closed my eyes. Everything was fine.

When I opened my eyes, I was moving. My legs weren't moving, my feet weren't moving, my hands and arms were not moving. I was being moved. I managed to work out that I was actually on the crest of a body of water, that was surging through a town that looked slightly like Shrewsbury. It was taking cars, buildings and people with it, but I was pretty much untouchable at the head of it. I didn't feel any of the pain that must have been felt by the people being swept up. I didn't feel any of the fear that these people did. Everything was fine.

The town was flooded. The water underneath me subsided and I was left outside of the town with a few other people I recognized but did not know. They were all on their mobile phones, asking people if they were OK, whether the water was still strong where they are. I could only assume that floods had ravaged the entire area, but the worst was done. Everything was fine.

And then I woke up. Or at least had conscious understanding of being awake, as you can never really pinpoint the exact moment you are awake, the lines are far too blurry there. But I was definitely not asleep anymore.

Everything is fine.

heavy music is not depressing 03

2010-09-27T09:25:00.000-07:00

This song makes me thirsty.

It cannot be true 09

2010-09-27T03:54:00.000-07:00

True to form, here is a fact about the real life Jesus.

The largest man made lightning bolt was created by Nikola Tesla, and was 130 feet long. Fact.

Tesla rules.

John Bills reads books VI: Everything is Illuminated

2010-09-25T15:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, well, I saw the film a couple of years back. I remember thinking 'ooh, this is nice, I'm enjoying this'. Then it finished and I haven't watched it since, which is probably a good way of saying it was alright. Nothing great, nothing astounding or astonishing or any of those other excitable words that get thrown around. It looked pleasant enough, and Eugene Hutz's performance as Alex was a particular delight, but I wasn't exactly blown away. The book however, was absolutely glorious. From beginning to end, it was probably the definition of 'absolute delight'. It was continually hilarious, sad, beautiful and thoughtful. Pretty much everything I would want a book to be. It encourages curiosity, love and bravery. It is naive, in a youthful excited way.

The story is told in 3 separate parts, one of which is a series of letters sent by Alex to Jonathen (the hero, as Alex calls him), another being Alex's interpretation of events, and finally a sort of historical prose for the area in Ukraine they are searching in. Alex's letters are probably my favourite aspect of the book, with his less than perfect English providing some genuinely funny moments. You could say it is premium.

I'll be re watching the film when I get home, definitely. The fragility of the book is so endearing, it just makes you sad in a completely wonderful way. It has been catapulted into my prestigious top 10, without doubt (See you later Kundera!).

gordon and rosemary.

2010-09-24T08:21:00.000-07:00

So either the days are blending into each other or they aren't. I'm not sure. Today has been no different to yesterday which was no different to Wednesday. Tomorrow will be the same. I'll wake up around 10, have a few coffees and read 'Keep the Aspidistra Flying'. I'll mill around, answer some questions about Mostar, remark a little bit about the night before, about the plans for the day. At around 2pm I'll head towards the Old Bridge, and I'll sit as close to the river as possible and read more. At just past 3, maybe quarter past, I'll decide that the rocks are too uncomfortable and I should start heading to the main hostel. I'll buy some soup and bread on the way there. I'll get there, and I'll eat my soup. I'll stay in the hostel till around 9.30pm, and then head back home, to read some more and chat with whoever is there. Maybe go out for a drink, maybe not. Then I'll sleep, playing some situations over in my head as I drift off.

So yes, the days are blending into each other. The point is though, that this isn't a negative thing as the connotation usually applies. It's lucky at the moment, as the hostel I am staying in has some really wonderful people in it (I always, without fail, get on with people either from Asia or with Asian family) and both the morning chit chat and evening discussion have been constantly interesting. I've started thinking about it in the same way I would think about pleasant evenings in Liverpool. Often, I'd be sitting with friends and beverages, and I would mentally step back from it and just think. I'd be constantly amazed and joyed to think, 'wow. I'm from a small town in Wales, and I'm sitting in Liverpool with a guy from the south, a guy and a girl from Shropshire, a couple of local scousers and a girl from Northern Ireland. We've all grown up in different places, and our lives have somehow all led to this moment right now. By it's very nature, that is astounding'. This has been happening recently. Just this morning for instance. 'Wow. I'm from a small town in Wales, and I'm sitting in Bosnia and Herzegovina drinking coffee and chatting naturally with a guy from the States, a girl from Japan, 2 (stunning) Australian girls with family from the sub-continent and a Swedish boy, as well as a family from Mostar itself. By it's very nature, that is astounding'.

This summer I have met people from all over the world. I never, never, thought I would meet people from places such as Costa Rica, Luxembourg and Singapore. Not only that, but meet them and converse and build little relationships with them. Whoever said its a small world was wrong, but its definitely a world that is getting smaller. I have still never met anyone from Uzbekistan, Moldova, Peru, and the majority of Africa. I've also only ever spent 3 weeks outside of Europe. I think if I was going to South America now as opposed to 2 years ago, I would be in a much better shape for it, and would do a much better job of it. I probably would have a lot of fun. So as much as I deny it to certain people, maybe that is progress. That's definitely progress.

And I've almost got a beard now.

So I'm coming home for the winter. I have a flight booked, and I know where I am flying from, and where I am flying to. Then its a Christmas and January in Britain, and then the joy of 2011. Maybe some Russia, next season here in Mostar, and an even bigger beard. 2010 is doing a good impression of 2008.

i said 'so is everything' but he didn't get it...

2010-09-22T04:16:00.000-07:00

Every time I listen to 'Screaming Ground' by Yourcodenameis:Milo, I am immediately reminded of the last 6 months of first year university. There are a lot of reasons for this, and the more I think about it, the sadder it all is. I don't think any of the people I spent a lot of time with then (Helena, Geordie Ben, Joel) would claim that I was a completely happy person, but when I think of it now, I was happy. Everything was exciting, everything was new. Everything was entirely frustrating, we all agreed on that. I've spent a lot of time recently just looking at photos from that year, and every single one of them brings very clear memories to me (I know a lot of people say that about photos, but it is true for this time in my life). For instance there is a picture of myself, Joel and Laura in our halls living room, kneeling on our shoes for a photograph in order to look like little people. I can clearly remember doing that. The photos of jazz pong, I remember how excited we were by such a simple thing. Myself and Ben in our underpants, moments before opening the door to Paddy. Me and Helena with green felt pen moustaches and monobrows. I clearly remember that after that we went over to her flat, she made a fish finger sandwich and I was convinced that she would die because it looked undercooked. The superhero night, and Ben in Helena's superman costume. Joel and Me moving the table into the kitchen for a cup of tea. Paris. The picture of me and Helena eating ice lollies in the park, I can remember looking around me at that moment. In fact, that is my clearest memory from the last 4 years of my life. I remember exactly how cold it was, I remember how many people were around, and I remember my ice lolly melting. The more I think about that moment, the sadder/happier I become.

Where do Yourcodenameis:Milo fit into all of this? Well, plainly and simply they are the most important thing to have existed in my life that doesn't come under the umbrella of human relationships. The ironic thing as well is that I would grow to become good friends with them, which I am lucky to say. And as I said a million times back then, musically they sounded like music I had heard in my head for years. That is what I wanted a band to sound like. 'Screaming Ground'? By no means my favourite YCNI:M song, that would have to be 'The Dead French', 'To the Cars' or 'Team Radar'. It wouldn't feature in my top 3 from 'They Came From the Sun' either. (To the Cars, Translate, I'm Impressed). Well, again, this is to do with memory. I remember getting the bus back from university and then walking to our halls, listening to that album. It was very close to the end of the year, a couple of weeks out. The sun was out, the roads were busy, and all was well. I had literally just started talking to Yuka (I miss you) on a frequent basis. There is a lyric at the end of 'Screaming Ground', that goes '...maybe then we'll address what is on our minds'.

If I'm honest, with a few exceptions, I have probably spent every moment since then not speaking exactly what is on my mind, and it is one of the reasons as to why I'm not totally happy now. The solution? Well, I wouldn't say that it would be to explode and say everything that is on my mind, because a lot of it is unimportant just moments later. However, one thing does need to be spoken about, and when I come home for Christmas it is at the top of my list of things to do. Ashley Morton, I apologize in advance, hah.

This has nothing to do with Bosnia at all. Which is a shame really, we've had a couple of guests stay for a long time now who have been absolutely brilliant. Scott in particular, an American guy who knows his football and supports Borussia Moenchengladbach. We've spoken about Nikola Tesla a lot (on the first day, Tesla made god). Tesla rules. Tomorrow is mild Thursday once again. The weather is still blindingly hot.

This is not an official video.

John Bills reads books V: Perfume (The Story of a Murderer)

2010-09-21T10:31:00.001-07:00

I thought I was going to hate this book. I've no idea why. Maybe it was the title, or the trailer for the film I'd seen before. It just looked like something I wasn't going to like. I repeat, I was not going to like this book. How could I like this book? It's set a couple of centuries ago, in Paris, is based on the sense of smell, the art of perfumery, and murder. I don't like any of those things (especially murder, murder is lame). I wasn't going to like this book. I couldn't like this book.

I really liked this book. It's difficult to put my finger on why if I'm honest with you. Maybe it was the constantly deep descriptive language that was used, that enabled you as a reader to envisage everything playing out in your head. The way that each scent was described to its fullest, in ways that I could only imagine. Maybe it was the way that you simultaneously adored and despised the main character, Jean Baptiste Grenouille. His impossible beginnings, his obsession and adoration for scent, a sense that I only remark about when in the negative, his absolute and undeniable purity, all of these made you want his story to play out as he wanted to. But his actions, the fact that he was so intensely obsessed with scent, and the downright vulgarity of some of his actions, made you hope for his demise. The book manages to give both of these an avenue, and is all the better for it. All of the other characters in the book inspire similar mixed feelings. The aging perfumer Baldini in particular, gives no reason for liking him, but you still want him to succeed and are relieved when he meets his end.

So despite all of my immediate worries, I immensely enjoyed this book. I'll be interested in seeing the film some time over Christmas.

heavy music is not depressing 02

2010-09-21T07:18:00.001-07:00

It cannot be true 08

2010-09-20T06:43:00.000-07:00

July is the only month in Greenland where the temperature goes above freezing point. Fact.

VIVISECTfest review.

2010-09-20T04:30:00.000-07:00

For some reason, the review of VIVISECTfest is further down this page, under Thursday September 9th. Its pretty long, so if you want to read it, just scroll down.

he said its all in your head...

2010-09-18T11:03:00.000-07:00

Good lord have I got lazy with this. Bad John, Bad John.

So when I last posted anything worthwhile (That Seinfeld fact is pretty cool though), I was about to head up to Sarajevo for a night to watch Bosnia take on the mighty (maybe not so mighty these days) France, in a Euro 2012 qualifier. France have been shocking as of late, and if there was ever a chance that Bosnia could put them over, this was it. Expectations were high, there was a great feeling of anticipation in the air, the Olympic Stadium in Sarajevo was full up. And what happened? Well, France kinda strolled to a 2-0 win. Disappointing? Yes, definitely. I always had Karim Benzema down as an absolute tool, but he was very good that night. Very quick, very strong (Or Very Fast, Very Dangerous, if you are Reuben inclined). Bosnia just looked a total class below. Džeko was anonymous all night, and although Pjanić performed very well in the last half hour, for the hour before that he was poor. Shame really, I had high hopes. Retired for the evening after the long walk up to Haris Youth Hostel (the best in Sarajevo, if you are ever there), had a chat with Emre and Arnika and went off to sleep.

The morning was really nice as well to be honest. Me and Emre were up early, and Arnika joined us, and I made some (pretty awful) Bosnian coffee for everyone. Emre and Arnika were 2 people who stayed in our hostel here, and ended up heading to Sarajevo the same day as me. Emre was from Turkey, Arnika from Germany, and they were 2 of the nicest people I think I've ever met. I can imagine travelling with Emre, which is always a good sign. He lives in Istanbul, which by the sounds of it is the biggest place the world has ever seen. Obviously not, but I forgot there were places with 15million people there. Crazy. I truly hope I come across them both again one day in the future.

There was also the VIVISECTfest at Abrašević last week, which I will review in depth tomorrow on here. There was a lot of very good documentaries, a couple of not so good. This week there was European cinema festival, but I've unfortunately missed it all due to work, which is a shame. I can guarantee that Spanish Elaine was at it as well, so darn.

So what else happened? Well, this weeks mild Thursday was a bit crazy. (Side note, 'Love Ridden' by Fiona Apple has just come on and I totally forgot just how much I love this song). The annex hostel is very quiet now, so it was just people from the main hostel, and we agreed to meet by the bridge at 11. I was there on my own for a little bit, and started to feel embarrassed, before they all came bounding down, which was nice. Scott (American guy) and Katja (Slovenian girl) had a bottle of whiskey between them, and I have never seen anyone, male or female, drink whiskey like Katja. The word machine springs to mind. Here she is, a small blonde dainty Slovenian, chugging whiskey like it was water. No, something even weaker than water. She was drinking it like someone who is pretending to drink would. Except she was drinking.

The girl could drink.

So we were by the bridge until pretty late, and we decided to make a move. Everyone went home except for me, Katja, Scott and an Australian girl called Raveen. We headed to Pavarotti, and had a few more drinks there. I've really come to love the Pavarotti music centre, its a fabulous place. It never closes either, which is fun. The same 5 guys there always as well, lovely. We had drinks there, Scott and Raveen went home, leaving me and the machine. Somehow this led to us wading into the Neretva at sometime between 6 and 7am, whilst playing with a dog that had kept following us.

The rest, as they say, is history. Read into that what you will. A really fun night though, had a great time, some very good people. Katja was one of the most interesting folk I've met so far as well, anyone who loves Elvis is good in my book.

Which brings us to today. I promise I won't neglect this any longer.

It cannot be true 07

2010-09-13T04:00:00.001-07:00

In keeping with my search for the Spanish Elaine...

In every episode of Seinfeld, there is a superman somewhere. Fact.

There will be a full review of VIVISECTfest up tomorrow I'd say, even of 'Afghan Girls can Kick', of which I understood not a single word.

first

2010-09-10T05:53:00.001-07:00

wheniwasachildihadsuchideologywheniwasachildiwantedmyownfamily
thechildisthefatherofthemanitwouldseem
thisisabigworld
andyoudonotcontrolit
thistimenextyearyouwillhavenoideawhereiam

VIVISECTfest.

2010-09-09T01:41:00.000-07:00

VIVISECTfest was a 4 day festival a couple of weeks back at good old OKC Abrašević. It is run by various human rights groups and is currently travelling all around the Balkans. It was good, very good! Very depressing, but hey, its all jokes really.

The first half of it all is a photography exhibition entitled 'People with Margins', by Mance Juvan. This involves a series of photographs taken around the world about human rights injustices. The first set is about the treatment of Roma in Slovenia, the second about transvestites in Thailand, the third about life on the streets of Iran, the forth of Hugo Chavez's 21st Century Socialism in Venezuela, and finally about women in Kabul, Afghanistan who are in jail for moral crimes. Whilst being short, it is a moving slideshow of human rights abuses, with the Afghanistan pictures in particular being a little difficult to deal with. That so much ill can exist in our supposedly evolved forward thinking world is continually shocking.

The second half of the festival is a series of documentaries being shown in the evening. Unfortunately, on Tuesday I missed 'Bananas!*' (which looked fantastic, I'll definitely be looking it up over winter) and 'World Poll'. Actually, both of these look like they would have been most excellent, so its a shame that I decided to watch the disappointing football game. Heartbreaking.

Anyway, I did manage to catch all the other documentos, so here is a quick capsule review of each and every one of them. And I might mention Spanish Elaine. I will mention Spanish Elaine.

Zajedno
So, Zajedno translates to 'Together', and this was a documentary all about everyones favourite subject, love. Or as some awesome people like to call it, luuuurve. It followed 5 different stories in Croatia of people who were either in, had been in, or wanted to be in emotional relationships. The main story was of Milka and Ratko, who were a lesbian couple. Basically spoke of the troubles they had had through the years, how they got together and what their parents thought of it all. However, it was hard to feel any empathy for them whatsoever, on account of one of them (I think it was Milka, I can't remember) being a drug addled chump. I don't know, I just tend to lose interest once drugs are mentioned. Drugs are for fools. The other stories were more interesting, in particular the story of Hrvoje, who is physically handicapped and was essentially looking for a girl who was not handicapped, in order to validate himself as a human. It was a pretty sad story truth be told, especially when Hrvoje's friends spoke of his life and searches. He was a good example of modern day elevation of wants really. The other stories were all interesting, some more so than others, and the film ended with nothing really resolved. In fact, with the exception of Peter and Mary (a mentally disabled married couple), everyone ended up sad. Moral of the story? Love sucks, but its all that we want.

One Day
This was rubbish. I had high hopes for it, as anyone would when told the documentary would be about an Ghanaian prostitute living in Denmark, but my expectations were dashed when it became clear that the film was essentially 30 minutes of phone conversations. One half of these were from the lady of the night back home to Ghana with her family, and the others were to prospective clients about their wants. Strange stuff, the way it was filmed didn't help either, blurry shot of mouths talking into telephones does not a gripping documentary make. The worst of the lot. Moral of the story? Prostitution is lame, even in documentary form.

Two Kosovar Summers
Now this is what I'm here to see. A documentary about an area that was once in Yugoslavia, about how life is these days. And what was it? It was fantastic, absolutely fantastic. From a viewers point of view obviously, I'm sure the main protagonists would disagree. Despite the independence they achieved in 2008, Kosovo is without doubt still an extremely divided country, something that was both clear and mentioned frequently throughout this documentary. One interesting thing about this was that both the Serbs and the Kosovars came off in an almost positive light, and were both united on a single thing. That being that the UN have only succeeded in making greater division between the 2 groups of people. A fantastically interesting documentary, and you believed in every thing each person interviewed was saying. Moral of the story? The UN is for chumps.

Lockerbie Revisited
Ah, Lockerbie. So this was a Dutch documentary, re-investigating the Lockerbie air disaster. The Libyan secret service was accused of perpetrating the disaster, and a Libyan man was sent to jail for it. This documentary examined the evidence that came from the disaster and finds some very interesting results. Interviews with various CIA and FBI fools also show the laxness of the investigation, including the shocking revelation that the main bit of evidence that pointed to the Libyans was never actually examined by specialists in that field, and had never even been to the States, where the investigated was going on. It was a pretty shocking documentary, and one that I would suggest looking up if possible. Moral of the story? If America decides you are guilty, you are guilty.

Juvenile Delinquents
Another pretty shocking one this, all about the justice system in America with regards to young people. In a large number of cases, people under the age of 18 are tried as adults, and get adult sentencing. This leads to, as in the case of numerous kids in this documentary, kids as young as 12 getting life sentences in prison. Now, I know this is a bit of 'I am not touching that' scenario, the Bulger case in Merseyside being an example, but the documentary did a great job of touching the subject from a humane point of view. Humane from all directions. I was surprised at the quality of it to be honest, especially when the first things you seen are 'Narrated by Mark Wahlberg' and 'Poems read by Mos Def'. That didn't give me a great deal of hope to be honest. Really thought inducing documentary though. Moral of the story? Crime is crime, kids are kids.

Whilst this last documentary was on, I had a missed call from Majda. I unfortunately have no credit, so could not call or text her back. It seemed urgent, so I thought I should try and get in touch with her by asking someone if I could borrow their phone. Only one girl stayed in the room for the photography after the film, so I tapped her on the shoulder to ask if I could use her phone. The girl was the spitting image of Elaine from Seinfeld, and was Spanish. I almost fainted. Seriously. Blimey.

Comic Books go to War
A documentary focusing on the relatively new art of Comic book journalism. I was skeptical before hand, and am probably still skeptical now. On one hand, it seems like a very easy way for people to learn the intricacies of world wide conflicts, and puts the issues in a very understandable light. However, on the flipside (I've always wanted to say that convincingly), all of the comic book journalists interviewed throughout came off as being incredibly self important, constantly talking of the importance of what they are doing. Particularly interesting were the comics who had acquaintances in places such as Sarajevo during the war. The way they spoke of these stories, gave the impression of nothing but exploitation. I don't doubt comic book journalism as a useful tool for understanding conflict, but the writers themselves just came across as idiots. Moral of the story? War journalists are strange folk.

Afghan Girls Can Kick
The last documentary followed the story of a young Afghan girls football team. I can't really comment on this one too much, it was in a language my feeble Welsh mind could not understand. All I'll say is that the girls looked pretty happy when they were playing football, the Talibans treatment of women was vile, and the actual technique of the football being played was poor. Especially the goalkeeping. Moral of the story? British people need to learn more languages, and Afghan girls are poor goalkeepers.

Vivisectfest was awesome. Spanish Elaine was awesome.

disabled penguins.

2010-09-07T02:27:00.000-07:00

Probably the best few days since I've been here. Bloody brilliant.

Friday night was a strange one. Bosnia were playing Luxembourg in a Euro 2012 qualifier, and the kids on the basketball court were very excited. They all had their flags out, which was kinda cute, were singing songs, and talking about Đzeko and Pjanić. It is clear to see that football in Bosnia is on the up, they are no longer minnows on the world stage. Quality players in the last third of the pitch, a fantastic young goalkeeper, and passionate support. Luxembourg however, (no offence Robi), are hopeless. Terrible side. The game itself was nothing to write home about Bosnia were 3-0 up within 20minutes and then the game sort of fell to sleep. Good win for Bosnia, especially with France losing to Belarus, the group is wide open. The real point of interest came before the game however, with the kids on the basketball court. In their excitement, they had started a little fire in the corner of the court. Now, as anyone who has heard my Reuben gig balloon story will attest, I am not one to avoid curbing enthusiasm. So out I strode with my bucket of water, to put out the fire and (I can't resist myself) dampen the spirits. A bit of playing with the kids before hand, throwing water at them etc, and then I put the thing out. What I wasn't prepared for was the amount of vitriol that would then be thrown my way. All of a sudden, this group of Bosnian kids were talking in fantastic English, pronunciation perfect insults mostly. Now I genuinely know how a big wrestling heel feels. Everyone on that court wanted to attack me. Luckily for me, they were all under 5 feet tall.

No midget stories please.

Last night was equally entertaining. After expecting a very quiet day, there was the usual invasion, but a particularly good crowd this time. There is Emre, a guy from Istanbul (15million people live there!), who is joining me on the trip to Sarajevo today for the football. Also Stacey, the 2nd Singaporean we have had this summer, who aside from probably being the prettiest guest since Dianne Mangaliman, also has the most sarcastic sense of humour I think I've ever heard. Aneka (I know thats spelt wrong, I apologise) from Frankfurt as well, incredibly interesting young lady. So we all went for dinner at Saray with Aldina, as well as 2 entertaining Dutch guys. Saray was as extraordinary as it always is, and once again I barely spoke during the meal as the food is just too good. So so good. And for people who ask if Bosnia is cheap, 7 of us ate there for 36KM, including drinks. Thats 18Euros. That is CHEAP.

Afterwards we went and sat down by the bridge with a couple of drinks, like the rapscallians we are, which was also nice. I've decided my future lies in working with disabled Penguins. Why not? It just literally sounds perfect for me. We walked home afterwards, the Dutch guys headed to Ali Baba. On our way back we peeked into the Pavarotti music centre to see if it was open, and lo and behold it was. Only 4 local people in there, but hey, we'll stick around. We ended up staying there until about 4am just talking away to the Mostari, one of whom was a HUGE Nottingham Forest fan and kept talking about Robbie Earnshaw. Interesting stuff. It really just goes to show that the best things in cities are found by literally just saying 'why not? lets have a look'. Really fun time.

And now Me, Emre and Aneka are heading to Sarajevo, to watch Bosnia demolish France. Hey, it could happen, France are terrible these days.

It cannot be true 06

2010-09-06T02:15:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson's favourite superhero was Morph from the X Men. Fact.

deafening.

2010-09-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

So I was sitting next to the Villa Neretva, reading 'Perfume' and generally minding my own business. Whilst I was reading, 2 rather attractive Bosnian ladies walked past, and one of them for some reason would not stop looking at me. I had my sunglasses on, so I wasn't too embarrassed by this, had a think as to why this was happening, and felt slightly uncomfortable, slightly awesome. I do have my nice yellow top on after all, and a pretty cool set of facial hair at the moment. Next thing I know, the 2 girls stop, and start walking towards me. It's like some sort of awesome Bosnian dream unfolding, 2 mightily attractive Bosnians walking towards me, with the intention of asking me something. I don't have to do anything! No awkward conversation starting, I was all prepared to be the coolest man on the planet. So they walk up to me, and ask me a question in Bosnian. I obviously reply, with a chuckle, 'I'm sorry I don't speak the language'. So they translate. And what was it they were asking me?

Where did you buy your shoes?

Well, it's a compliment I suppose. I do have pretty good shoes. I resisted the urge to tell them that they are the same as Mary Naylors shoes, and just said Liverpool, United Kingdom. They looked genuinely gutted, and left. I do have really cool shoes, but not stop in the park and ask where they were bought shoes. Very strange. Anyway, they walked off, I read my book and the day carried on as normal. It could have been special! Ah well, I still have my shoes.

In other news, the burek delivery driver stopped and gave me a lift into town yesterday. I got to pretend I was in a movie as well, as I hopped onto his moped I dramatically pointed forwards and shouted, 'Stari Grad!' (Old Town). I felt pretty smug. But the truth is I have obviously had too much burek delivered in the last 5 weeks, as the delivery driver recognizes me. Mostar is the 3rd biggest city in Bosnia, I've been here 5 weeks and the delivery driver of the best burek in the city recognizes me. Again, half embarrassed, half elated. The only problem now is how long do I leave it before I order some more burek?! If I order some today, he might think I'm only doing it for the lifts. If I leave it a week, he'll forget me. I can't have burek from somewhere else, thats like cheating on burek man. Oh the etiquette of burek, damn you! I'm going to stop talking about burek, because now I really want some. Hmmm.

Next week is Bairam, the end of Ramadan, so we will be shutting for a few days. Exciting! I am contemplating going up to Sarajevo on Tuesday to watch the Bosnia/France game, which would be cool. Bosnia are playing the mighty Luxembourg, recently vanquished by Wales, this evening, so I'm gonna be plonking botty at around 8.30 to watch that. The season is drawing to a close, my winter decisions have been made, now to plan.

The new Grinderman video is the weirdest music video I have ever seen. Nick Cave is insane.

John Bills reads books IV: Animal Farm

2010-08-31T04:59:00.001-07:00

Everyone has read Animal Farm. It's my mums favourite book (as far as I remember), and I'd go so far as to say its one of the most well known fictional works going. I'm sure someone told me its on the curriculum these days, although that could be a big lie. The animated film is equally as good, if you can get past the voices of the animals, but then again they are animals. Expecting a silky smooth Sean Connery voice would be just too much I suppose.

So, the book. If anyone is ever in a reading rut, I wholeheartedly recommend going for Animal Farm. Its short, very short, and completely compelling. I think every time I have read it, which is definitely in the double figures, I have started and finished it within 2 days. Its just that easy, and that difficult to put down. The book is a based on pre-WW2 Soviet Union, and is something of a fictional retelling of events leading up to Stalins era. After driving the human owner, Mr Jones, out of Manor Farm, the animals of the farm take over and rename it Animal Farm. Animalism becomes the way of life, and the farm, under the leadership of the pigs Snowball and Napoleon, prospers. Food is plentiful, education progresses, and morale is high.

Snowball comes up with the idea of building a windmill, which Napolelon opposes. Whilst Snowball is giving a speech in favour, he is driven out of the farm by a pack of dogs that Napoleon has been raising. Napoleon then proceeds to claim that Snowball stole the windmill idea from him, and he takes sole control of the farm. Painting Snowball as a traitor and using his absence as a catalyst, Napoleon culls many animals and life becomes difficult for all the animals.

As the pigs rewrite the history and take on more privileges for themselves, they begin to negotiate with human owners of other farms, something that was outlawed from the beginning under the laws of animalism. As the years pass, the pigs start to become more and more like humans, walking on their hind legs, wearing clothing and sleeping in the farm house. The name of the farm is changed back to Manor Farm, and the book ends with the rest of the animals being unable to distinguish man from pig.

For me, the best aspect of this book is the fact that every single character involved is engaging, and the various arcs in the storyline are, as previously mentioned, completely compelling. I know for a fact that in a couple of months time, I will surely read this book again, and again. Always interesting, never boring, completely vital. But you all know this already, as you've read it before.

annie clark i love you.

2010-08-30T04:27:00.001-07:00

It cannot be true 05

2010-08-30T02:50:00.001-07:00

In all of European league football, Scottish side Motherwell have the worst record of any team that have not been relegated from the top division in the last 25 years. Fact.

This fact a week thing is entirely ripped off from Toby Hayes aka Shoes and Socks Off. For more facts and some of the best new music Britain can muster, go here.

The A-Z of Awesome: B

2010-08-29T08:55:00.000-07:00

B is for Bar Ca Va.

ah, Bar Ca Va. Liverpool's finest cult bar. 30 flavours of tequila, each more ridiculous than the last. The worst toilets in Liverpool. Flat eggy beer. Old sofas. Loud loud music. On paper, it really shouldn't work.

But holy diver does it work. In my first year in Liverpool, Ca Va was far and away my favourite bar. We would always, without fail, begin our nights there, and more often than not would return at various points throughout the evening. There is just something about it. I know a lot of people say that about a lot of things, but it most definitely is relevant when it comes to Bar Ca Va. During that first year it was always fun to go there, the staff were always very friendly (and like most males in Liverpool, we enjoyed the sheer attractiveness of the staff, especially the tall guy with the pony tail. phwoar), it was cheap, the DJ would frequently play Deftones at the end of the night and it just had what yuppies call ' a good vibe'. I enjoyed every moment of going there in first year, as pictures would attest to. And the less said about midget fighting the better.

Come, second year, every student needs a job. Luckily, my dear friend Andrew Neve's then ladyfriend, the delightful Talulah Mason, was one of the attractive bar staff as mentioned above. So, through contacts, a job at Ca Va was achieved by myself. What was intended as a short term rent paying job, became a 3 year love/hate affair that would result in leaving a couple of times, coming back, and eventually being given keys to the place. Blimey.

Now, I probably complained about the place more than anyone with the exception of Eyebrows, but without doubt Ca Va defined my 4 years in Liverpool more so than anything else. I had countless incredible times there, and met some of the best people I have ever met. Every single member of staff who has worked there over those years is an absolute credit, and the regulars (yes, Jim, Feeney, Alex, Kyle and Corinne) are all mighty fun too.

So big cheers to John and Jodie, Jenna, Meets, Kimbo, Gary, Peter, Festa, Eyebrows, Tommy Max, Mazwaz, Latie Stanton, Ships, Ropo (despite all the reggae), Angry Joni, Jo (arlarse), Kimberley, Little Dan, Alexandros, Phoebe, Lydia, Gary (2), Bryn, Danny White, Jay, Emma McLovin, Talulah Malouda, Lana, Fid, Cathy, Byron, Christy, Heidi, Sally, Paddy, Crazy Mike, Alice, Ami, Tall Nik, Tom (2: Not Ships), Jenny Greene, Mike Tiernan and Kung Foo Cactus. It was a lot of fun.

PS - Craig, Nung, Kay, Hakeem, Chef Chris, Slam Duncan, Mikey and the Djangos lot are alright too.

Nintendo Room.

2010-08-28T08:13:00.000-07:00

Holbrooke showed Bosnia to Milošević and Bulatović. He looked at the screen and asked the two men whether he was seeing right. 'There is nothing there. Just mountains. There are no houses, no villages. This is going to ruin my marriage, ruin my life. Look at what you're fighting for. There is nothing there but mountains and valleys. Bulatović answered: 'Yes, that is Bosnia'.

i think i would be good for you.

2010-08-28T03:39:00.001-07:00

so the stupidly big blister is still here, taking over my finger. i don't have a fingerprint now, i can commit all the crimes i want. we thought the season had ended, oh how wrong we were. i was told yesterday morning that 2 people would be coming that afternoon, and it would be nice and relaxed. by the time we settled down to sleep, 15 people had arrived, including 3 different groups at once, meaning it was an extremely manic evening. it can drive you a bit mental that sometimes, you can't give everyone the same wonderful greeting if there are 8 of them and 1 of you. difficult.

anyway, salco brought a puppy here last night. that boy is crazy sometimes. from what i could gather, the little puppy had been hit on the main road next to the mosque. to be fair, and i don't like dogs, it was a cute little thing. it looked extremely scared, very fragile. it was no bigger than a kitten. the heart strings were definitely being peaked. almost automatically, all of the travellers came out to stroke the thing, give it sympathy and attention, which was nice. but still, the question stands (and yes i am a hypocrite here), why does a homeless dog bring out such adoration, yet a homeless roma child almost brings out scorn in people? and i stress the child aspect there. interesting.

i'm told its going to rain next week, and this week it isnt by the internet! local sources say rain is coming, oh my lord i am excited for that. some interesting developments with regards to my 2011 as well, so i've got me a few emails to send and motivation letters to write. i don't really do motivation letters to well, i always come across as obsessive. because i am. always, without fail. there, i said it.

live music at abrasevic today! abrasevic is a bar in a pretty run down area of town, next to the (in use) prison, which always sets a few alarm bells off. now, this would be a worry i suppose. lonely planet talks about how you need the guts to find it, as it is situated in one of the most run down areas of mostar, and indeed next to the prison. what it doesn't mention however, is the fact that it is also directly next to mostars finest cake shop! palma! so you have this passionately anti-commercialism bar, directly in between the criminals of mostar and the finest cakes the city can produce. good old bosnia.

i'll bring home the turkey if you bring home the bacon.

John Bills reads books III: To End a War

2010-08-26T04:50:00.001-07:00

So an American left a copy of this book in the hostel for me to read. By left, I mean he said I should read it and I forgot to wake up to give him it back. I'm not too sad about this, it's just too late now I suppose. Sorry American boy. For those who do not know, Richard Holbrooke was the chief voice and negotiator behind the Dayton Peace Accords (1995), which brought an end to the fighting in Bosnia (notice that I did not say brought peace). 'To End a War' is essentially his memoirs of the time he spent shuttling around the capitals of Bosnia, Croatia and Serbia negotiating with the 3 presidents to end the war. Hence the title.

So, whats good about it? Well, its easy to read I guess. Whilst the claim that it 'does for diplomacy what Indiana Jones did for archaeology' is just ever so slightly ridiculous, it is indeed a page turner, its easy to read style clearing up some of the usual academia that comes along with the Yugoslav wars. Holbrooke speaks of each president in a very open manner, which also proves interesting. This however, is more for guessing his bias as much as anything. His portrayal of Milosevic as a charmer is something that seems accurate, but he also describes ol' Slobo in such a way that he was the chief architect of any possible peace. Tudjman comes across as dangerously single minded in his perceived destiny, but its his portrayal of the Bosnian government that is possibly the most intriguing. The constant talk of in fighting and lack of preparation that the Bosnians put into the process is worrying to say the least. Izetbegovic is constantly described as moody and uninterested, which is a little hard to believe really. Still, its an interesting aspect of the book.

Thats pretty much where all the good ends. The overriding feeling you get from the book is that Holbrooke would like to really stamp his name into the annals of history, such is the self important nature of the book. The book truly tells you more about Holbrooke than the crisis itself, of his wants, worries and opinions. In all fairness, as a memoir this is to be expected, but if you want to learn about the Yugoslav wars, this is not the book to read. Another interesting aspect of the book is the arrogance Holbrooke shows towards the EU, UN and Europe in general, his comments amounting essentially to a claim that without America, the fighting would still be going on today. I will say that yes, the European community did a pretty shambolic job of it all, but claiming that America saved the day when the country is still a mess institutionally (2 police forces? 2 alphabets? 3 schools in one?) is pushing the boat out a little, and maybe encapsulates the arrogance of American foreign policy.

Read if: You are interested in hearing about fancy meals and the hard life of a negotiator.
Dont read if: You want to learn anything about Yugoslavia.

at night we live.

2010-08-25T11:03:00.001-07:00

christmas came early this year.

2010-08-25T08:36:00.001-07:00

i have a huge blister on my finger.

it happened late on saturday night. in the day, i had had some pretty awesome vegetable soup, and i decided it was time for some more. so i set the pot on the hob, and waited for a bit. i came back, ready to eat and removed the pot from the hob. only i did this with my bare hands. holy moly, did it hurt. its my own stupid fault, i just wasnt thinking. it bloody hurt though. so i spent about 10 minutes with my finger under a tap, and all i could think was 'my soup is going to go cold, my soup is going to go cold'. so, genius that i am, i filled a pot with water, and sat down to eat my soup with one of my hands immersed in water. probably didnt do any good, as we ended up going to the pharmacy at 3am. it was particularly funny trying to break bread off to dip in, as i only had one hand to do so. its really difficult breaking bread with one hand, so i ended up just having to dunk the huge chunk o bread in the soup. it would have looked very silly. good soup though. top soup.

so im sort of out of comission right now. i tried to eat a meal today, but my cutlery skills were lacking. my typing is also rather laughable, and whenever i take anything out of my left pocket, it seriously hurts. so the morale of the story is, never touch really hot things, because they are really hot. like, seriously hot. HOT.

i think the season is winding down as well, which is cool. either that or im just used to it being full around here, im not sure. im looking forward to it being quieter already, which is silly as i have only been here for 4 weeks, 4 very quick weeks. having more time to relax by the river will be rather lovely. tonight is the local derby as well, and i've decided to give it a miss. too many people telling me that its going to be dangerous. the velez fans are boycotting the match, but not boycotting the stadium surroundingds. in other words, there gonna be a riot! a riot is no place for a short 4 eyed welshman i'd say.

It cannot be true 04

2010-08-23T01:48:00.001-07:00

The cigarette lighter was invented before the matchbox. Fact.

Heavy music is not depressing 01

2010-08-21T10:28:00.001-07:00

tell us was the black box lying.

2010-08-21T07:07:00.000-07:00

So I sat inside for about an hour with the air conditioning on, then went outside and completely forgot it was 38degrees. Ouch.

So the other day was going pretty normally, a bit quiet in the day time of course. Phone call from Majda. Majda says 'there will be 2 people arriving at Luka (the hostel I am at) at around 5pm, and then 11 Polish people shortly after'. Now, there is nothing unusual about that, not even the group of 11. Thats just how people go it seems, some people like to travel in big groups. My first thought was that they would be people who want to head out into Medjugordje for the day, but want to stay in the slightly less manic surroundings of Mostar. Thats fair enough. So Majda drove me over to the main hostel to deal with these people. We were going to meet them near the Franciscan cathedral, and then drive to the hostel. I started trying to create a plan of action in my head. With such a big group, usually they splinter off during the greetings, but then there will always be a couple of people there who are leaders of sorts, who will take things on board and convey to the rest of the group. That's pretty much how this will go I thought.

Well, there were definitely 4 obvious leaders among the 11. Why you ask? Well, the other 7 were all aged between 6 and 13. Thats right, kids. Little, excitable, energetic rapscallions. This is highly unusual for a hostel, let alone a small hostel of Majdas reputation. Needless to say, they ate all the cake and drank all the juice of the opening greeting. I wasn't really sure how to approach this, other than laughing quite a lot and then trying to have a serious conversation with parents. I did get a lot of enjoyment out of asking the kids for their passports though, that was pretty fun. I felt like John Kimble. Showing the map was incredibly difficult as well. You can't go telling 7 year olds about a snipers nest can you? The answer to that question is no, no you can't.

The point I would like to make about this, is that if you are 2 families taking your kids on an incredibly justifiable holiday to the Mostar region, or anywhere for that matter, do not stay in a youth hostel. It just makes no sense. For you first and foremost, there are plenty of pensions and apartments in the area that would be far more comfortable for 7 kids, just purely for the room. Also, hostels aren't really the places for little ones. A lot of travellers like to enjoy themselves whilst on the road, and most nights will at least involve a beer on the balcony. A lot of travellers smoke as well. It makes no sense to take your children to a hostel. Its terrible for the travellers as well, as the atmosphere of the place is killed. Instead of having those 11 beds filled with people who are making their way around the area and totally open to new people, they are pretty much cut off from the rest of the hostel. Now, I have a lot of faith in kids, but I can't see the 7 and 8 year olds sitting out on the balcony with the 22 year old Belgian and the 27 year old Australian discussing why the international community isn't making more of a noise about the Niger food crisis. The entire experience just bumped the Hammill family up in my already sky high estimation as well. There were 3 young people who were interested in the history and culture of the area, and being educated by 2 equally curious parents.

I won't deny that it was a pretty funny experience either. I don't think I'll ever get another chance to go up to a 10 year old and demand their passport.

This is what a live band looks like.

The A-Z of Awesome: A

2010-08-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

This is a new thing you see, to break up the week as it gets quieter here. This has nothing to do with Bosnia, and is entirely self important (nothing new for me I guess). I'm going to do an A-Z about the most awesome things in life, either people, places or experiences. I'm going to do this particular piece every thursday or friday, depending on which is quieter. This will be silly when it gets to ridiculous letters, but the first 4 or 5 are pretty easy. So yeah, I'll start with some man love.

A is for Ashley Morton.
Ok, so here we go. I've decided to go to university, it is all confirmed and I'm there. Before going, the neurotic people like myself tend to try and predict how it is going to go, who they are going to meet, what is going to happen etc etc. So you draw up a criteria for the most awesome person possible. Let's have a look. Well, you take music pretty seriously, so a similar music taste is important. Tool, obviously, they must be a big tool fan. Not just a big fan of tool, but the type of fan who will openly discuss them properly, and argue different cases. Nu metal too, you loved nu metal, if this guy can be a fan of nu metal then awesome. Nothing makes you happier than some hilarious nu metal, and being able to enjoy these moments with a new friend would exacerbate them totally. It'd also be pretty cool if they played instruments, you could maybe write some music together. Pfft, pushing the boat out a bit, but if they could play guitar, drums and sing really well then that'd be lucky. Fingers crossed I suppose.

What else? Well, you like the really awesome parts of historical science, so a love of Dinosaurs and Space is a pretty good characteristic to have. Nothing beats watching documentaries about either in the early hours, so company there would be excellent. You do love a good concept album as well, so maybe you could make one together about one of these subjects? (side note, the biggest regret I have from university is not finishing the Io album and not making a Dinosaurs concept album. Forget all the Helena whinging and silly things I did in the last 6 months, I regret not finishing this). It'd also be pretty cool if they were philosophically minded. Not to the point of being overly analytical, but still, questioning things would be nice.

Football, now theres a game. If only you could find a metal fan, who likes space, who also likes football, in a level headed but passionate way. A football fan who understands how the game works, and doesn't just follow it in a blind 'my team can do no wrong' way. A football fan with a football brain. Someone who isn't purely interested in the premier league as well, even a vague interest in lower league and european football would be nice. Maybe this is the geek speaking, but late night football manager sessions are a must. And on the subject of sports, it has to be Roger Federer over Rafael Nadal. Every time.

I'd really like this idealistic friend to be passionate about his beliefs and the things he enjoys as well. Like, I don't just want him to enjoy a film, I want him to be able to recite it word for word, scene for scene. I'm prone to over the top outbursts, so I want someone who will proclaim things to be as good as they are. No middle of the road either, if he thinks something is bad, I want him to tell the world how bad it is.

So yeah, a funny, well spoken, level headed tool fan, with an avid interest in dinosaurs, an intelligent love of football and bucketloads of passion. Too much to ask I suppose. We'll just see how it goes.

Cue 3 years of all of the above. I have said this more than anything other the last few years, but Ashley Morton is the best person I have ever met. He is an absolute credit to his family, his friends, and this entire species. If everyone was a bit more like Ashley Morton, the world would be a much better place.

Man love over.

on the cutting edge of complete insanity.

2010-08-18T02:31:00.000-07:00

I've been splurging a bit recently. I had 2 meals out last week, one in podrum and one in grill centar, both were amazing. grill centar is a very cheap, very nice place that is pretty popular with locals, so i don't need to feel guilty about that one. i keep trying to think about avoiding it, but when i think about it i can see the food on the plate, and holy diver is it good. really hot plates for some reason, but its so so so good. oh lord i want to go to grill centar now. its only 8KM for a plate of food and a drink. hmmm. i'll wait till the weekend. honestly.

my food problem today however, has been gloriously rectified. i just received a phonecall from majda asking me to go to the top of the steps as she had something to give me. confused as to what this might be, i wandered up (barefoot as usual, even though i regret it every time) and to my complete utter joy, it was a surprise kebab! woah! the best type of kebab is a surprise kebab. now i'm rushing this as to be able to go outside and munch away on it. i ordered my first telephone delivery burek the other day as well, which was quite monumental. the burek itself was monumental as well, and fed me for 2 whole days. andrew neve, burek would make you cry with joy, i assure you of that.

no real hostel news as of late, its been steadily chugging along. had 2 very nice american girls here, alison and marjorie, who were extremely quiet until alison was given the opportunity to put the hose away after i watered the flowers. needless to say the kansas hose monster was in full flight then. nice girls though, much missed. had 2 very nice australian girls with phillipino heritage the past couple of days, dianne and sarah, really nice. dianne in particular was super chatty, and her quest to find a fig made me chuckle immensely. it really was as thrilling as that sounds. australian guy called matt here at the moment as well, really cool, he's a teacher in melbourne who likes cricket, football and mike patton. pretty ace.

my bosnian is kinda coming along a little bit as well, although recently its been more useless things, like colour. time is very easy as well, which was nice. however, my new favourite term, taking over from boliglava, is without doubt 'guza meduza'. this term is used when talking about someone who is afraid of something because of their actions. it literally translates to 'ass like a jellyfish'. beautiful. not sure what tonights lesson will bring, but im sure it'll be entertaining. dobri stari salco.

right this is enough, its hot, its quiet, its kebab time.

It cannot be true 03

2010-08-16T06:22:00.001-07:00

The furthest point on Earth from the equator is the peak of Mount Chimborazo, Ecuador. Despite Ecuador being very close to the equator, the earth bulges out at the centre, making the peak of Chimborazo the furthest point on earth from the equator itself. Fact.

the one with the racist flag

2010-08-14T10:04:00.000-07:00

i thought it had been a decent few days with regards to the mosquitoes, i hadnt been bitten at all, at least not to a noticeable degree. the bites that i had already acquired were no longer annoying me, and i thought that maybe my body had grown accustomed to the little critters. however, these dreams were quashed this morning when i woke up to a golf ball on the back of my thigh. i am not exaggerating there either, it literally is the size of a golf ball. ridiculous. anissa (majda and bata's mother) decided that rubbing soap onto it would be a good idea, and it seems to have half done the trick but still, when i sit down i'm slightly tilted to one side. very silly. and itchy.

settling in very nicely into this hostel business, and getting a little bit more responsibility it would seem. majda and bata are already doing too much work as it is, so if anyone can take some of the strain off their hands it would be good, so it seems that im being entrusted with a few decisions, which is really nice. although i have become a bit of a robot with regards to the maps, need to spruce it up a bit i think, might go exploring tomorrow. need to find hidden gems!

its been a really quick 2 weeks in all fairness. i dont think ive spent too much money either, which is a massive bonus. and andrew, you'll be glad to hear that donor kebabs out here are incredible, and everywhere. you get a mahoosive one for about 2KM (thats a quid mate). you cant even buy a bottle of coca cola in tesco for a quid. things are excessively cheap out here really. currently outside there are 3 french people with a 2 litre bottle of sarajevska, the local beer (that isnt sold on the croatian side of the city. petty). you can buy these 2 litre bottles for approximately 2.80KM. Thats about 1 pound and 40 pence. 2 litres. ridiculous.

also, premier league football started again as im sure you are all happy or gutted to hear. blackburn started off with a decent 1-0 win against everton, so take that craig, peter, kev ruscoe, gary lad and any other everton fans i may know. now, if ashley morton can beat liverpool tomorrow, a good weekend for cava's former pretentious staff i would say. in more important football news, next saturday is the mostar derby. i wont be taking guests to this, but i will certainly be going. it is going to be SPICY.

the best video ever.

please dont feed the humans.

2010-08-11T05:05:00.000-07:00

if you listen to new found glory and pretend that you are listening to paramore, you realise that new found glory are pretty bloody fun, and a much better band than aforementioned paramore.

settling down into a pretty steady routine here, its very hectic though. today is another tour day so i get a bit of rest time, but this evening will once again be ever so slightly manic. just eating me some pasta and pesto (yes, things will never ever change) and now going to head into town for a bit before all the loudness starts. although saying that, the old town is going to be pretty busy, and im far too lazy to walk all the way to rondo. old town it is! might sit down underneath the bridge (no, no cobain style) for a bit. we shall see, either way im gonna burn!

not too much has happened of note really over the last couple of days, like i say its been pretty routine. people arrive, go through formalities etc. although suffice to say i am officially the worst cake slicer in the history of the world. although saying that, at least its unique, i can promise that no 2 slices will be the same! have drunk a surprisingly small amount of coffee so far as well, strange. tomorrow pretty much everyone is leaving, which means that a whole new host of travellers will invade our small riverside establishment, all with a million questions. a girl asked me today if i knew a good place for waxing. i wouldnt be able to tell you a good place for waxing in liverpool, and i lived there for 4 years. welshpool however, im gonna guess the rowlands sisters place! ahem.

questions though, all the questions. to be fair, nearly 90% of them are about either mostar or the bosnian war, so thats no so bad, i know what im talking about there. but once the talk turns to waxing, i'm all at sea, i'll admit that much. that'll do, a short one as im eager to get out before aldina brings someone and leaves me to do everything! hah, take that! although to be fair, aldina bought me a kebab last night. hvala! boliglava!

'truck stop blues' by new found glory is definitely my most listened to song so far.

It cannot be true 02

2010-08-09T01:50:00.000-07:00

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. Fact.

people who beg your pardon.

2010-08-07T02:53:00.001-07:00

last night was awesome.

very quiet day, managed to head into the city in the morning and make sure the directions i've been giving are correct, and i fell prey to the cevapi. i've been telling myself i'll just live off the pasta i've bought and food i cook in the hostel, but the temptation of some local cevapi was just too much. so i dipped into it all, and cevapi is wicked. i had a little fight with a wasp which was a little embarrassing, but hey, sometimes you need to defend yourself. once 7 o clock ish arrived however, it just seemed to be a steady stream of people arriving at the hostel, so i must have gone through the juice/cake/beds/maps/passports routine almost robot like at the end. and it was wonderful, it really was. i'm really finding this work to be very fulfilling, a job where my main duty is to assist people in enjoying mostar. thats pretty perfect i'd say.

took a few backpackers out to watch zrnjski football team the other day as well, against odense from denmark in a europa league qualifier. it was a terrible terrible 0-0 draw, which meant that zrnjski went out 5-3 on aggregate. i will say this to all you motherwell fans though, you have nothing to fear from odense. terrible. however, all the backpackers took the poor quality of the football in a positive manner, which is pretty ace. there was a few people from the other hostel with us as well, including a couple from manchester who know the esteemed mary 'mazwaz' naylor! you must be a celebrity mazwaz! i've also met 4 people from luxembourg in the last 3 days, who knew that there were 4 luxemburgers?

and yes, they are called luxemburgers.

i have a day off of sorts now, as its tour day (see how i'll cleverly do my blogs on quiet tour days?) and everyone is out on that. we dont have any arrivals today either, which is pretty awesome to be honest, im gonna head out and enjoy the sun in mostar. in my jeans of course, heaven forbid my legs get an outing. town is going to be busy, so i might head out towards the stations on the vrapcici road for a kafa!

oh, i've been learning some bosnian words as well. there is a guy called salco who comes here in the day to water the flowers and do other odd sort of jobs, and he doesnt speak a word of english, so we've been slowly working through all the objects around the hostel and translating for each other. knife is nož, flag is zaštava, ashtray is pepelnica and hostel is hostel.

i take back everything i've said about lady gaga. she is awesome.

here's my head on a plate

2010-08-04T03:09:00.000-07:00

hello there.

so mostar is hot. very very hot. yesterday was upwards of 38c, today not so hot but still in the 30s, i've actually been walking around topless most of the time, with my pale pale white as paper skin on show. that is up to my neck however, which is not a deep sort of purple colour. ouch. maybe finally, after years of being the whitest man alive, my time to tan is here. if i come out of this with a tan and a beard, it will be considered a total success. my plan to start jogging hasnt really come into fruition yet either, i blame the heat.

yesterday was really nice. the legendary mark hammill, my favourite lecturer in the history of university, decided thanks to my constant ramblings to bring his family on a holiday to bosnia for a few days, and yesterday they spent an afternoon in mostar. it was only brief, but it was very enjoyable. marks family were a delight, far more interested in culture and the area than i would ever expect kids to be. we climbed the minaret, watched a guy jump off of the bridge (it gets old pretty quickly. the novelty of watching a man jump off a bridge wears off) and then sat for a drink in the old town and a general chit chat. its through people like mark that i actually feel very glad to have gone to university, to have met certain people. despite not spending too much time over the years being taught by or even in marks company, in many ways he is the ashley morton of lecturers. he's exactly the type of teacher that i hoped i would encounter at university. so yes, gushing aside, cheers for actually coming out mr hammill sir, and cheers for the ice cream! orange! i hope medjugordje was as tatty as you hoped!

in other news, working in a hostel is possibly the best thing ever. in fact, to say you work in a hostel is a real misleading statement, as not a single part of this feels like work. over the last 2 days, i have mostly given people directions and advice on what to do and see in the town, which is something that i would be doing even if i was just travelling again. and people listen, which is constantly pleasing. and ben, casey and eric, believe it or not but that football stadium we went to is actually in use! theres a match there tomorrow, im hoping to take a few guys to watch! i've also spent a good amount of time drinking beer by the river, and you cant argue with that.

this will be of no interest to anyone except me, but my favourite austrian football team when i was little and mental about european football was wiener sportklub, because they had a cool orange kit. anyway, they were relegated many years ago because of financial issues, and now play in like, the 3rd division or something. anyway, there is an austrian guy in the hostel who supports them! i was in some sort of mental austrian football dreamland. so yeah, sorry for that boring paragraph. austrian people are really cool as well it seems, and belgians. and the dutch. and the germans. it turns out european people are awesome.

awesome.

It cannot be true 01

2010-08-01T21:34:00.000-07:00

Nearly 90% of all shark attacks happen to males. Fact.

airport guff.

2010-07-31T20:53:00.000-07:00

well, here's the token airport entry.

just at john lennon now, there is a lot of refurbishment going on which automatically means the whole place has just gone insane. easyjet now don't have individual queues for flights, they just have one big easyjet queue. it was ridiculous. the airport is packed for some reason, my plan of flying early to have a quiet morning has backfired quite terribly. lots of kids around, which doesn't bode well. oh lord i hate children on flights, they just make such a racket. calm down please little ones, everything is fine.

andrew very kindly drove me to the airport all the way from welshpool, which is another reason why that man is awesome. all this despite simultaneously falling of a bench and vomiting last night. good work neve! we managed to survive a terrifying fuel light ordeal and got here via the new shoes and socks off rekkid and the new deftones rekkid, both of which are superb. good work those chaps. now however, the queue and general reminder of how lame airports are has put me into a sleepy mood, and lord knows i won't be sleeping on the plane with all these kiddywinkles. good times!

in other news, i'm almost there! oh heck yeah. i checked out the weather forecast, it looks like its going to be a pretty blinking hot week in the balkans. i should arrive in dubrovnik at about 10am, from which i'll get a bus to town and then walk all the way to the hostel, relying on memory to get there. it cant be too hard right? i think im staying with the hostels neighbours tonight as well, which is pretty lovely of them. can i say that working in the industry has its perks yet? or is it too early for all that? well, i'll say that. hopefully the neighbours arent insane, because that would put a real dampener on everything. i'll have a nice day of walking around dubrovniks beautiful old town before an early night and an 8am bus to mostar, where i will spend the next however long being really nice to travellers, drinking a lot of bosanska kafe and generally gawping at the bridge. did i mention that the bridge is really pretty? it really is a pretty bridge.

i have a good feeling about all of this.

adios suckas!

the ocean//precambrian.

37

2010-06-22T09:44:00.000-07:00

37 days to go. I went out for a drink with Gary and Brows last night, was nice. Brows left early, me and Gary ended up going to the jacaranda and drinking a lot of their cheap bottles, and I got overly sentimental. It's going to happen a lot more before I go.

37 days to go.

John Bills reads sad books II: Beslan

2009-12-05T05:18:00.001-08:00

Tim Phillips book, 'Beslan: The Tragedy of School No.1' was published in 2007, and is very in depth telling of the siege that happened during 3 days in September 2004. All I knew about this before reading was what I remember from the news 5 years ago, and little snippets I'd read in the following years. Needless to say, what I knew was only the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. This book was utterly horrifying from start to finish.

Well, I lie. The first chapter, entitled 'The Happiest Day of My Year' was actually very enjoyable. This led, however, to the second chapter, 'Start Digging Your Own Graves'. It got more and more harrowing from there on. On September 1st, 2004, the children of Beslan were enjoying the start of the school year, the Day of Knowledge as it is known in Russia. Without warning, the school was attacked by a group of men from Chechnya and Ingushetia, 2 neighbouring regions in the North Caucasus. What followed was 3 days of what can only be described as sheer hell, before the siege reached a tragic climax in which it is believed 334 people died, 188 of whom were children.

The book isn't however just a chronological reporting of the events of the siege. Bedded in between chapters about the goings on at School No. 1 are chapters dedicated to educating the reader about the politics, history and people of the North Caucasus. For those who aren't aware, the North Caucasus includes several republics in the South West of Russia and many regions of Georgia and Azerbaijan. One of the Russian Republics in this area is Chechnya, which I'm almost certain everyone has heard of in some way or another. The travails and disputes between Chechnya and Moscow are far too large to go into here, but I imagine a book on that subject will be read soon. Let's just say its a bit spicy.

One of the best aspects of the book is Phillips' interviews with survivors of the siege, and their mentality regarding it. It really is a very interesting look into the mindset of people in the north caucasus, as well as a valuable evidential insight into what happened. Whilst the majority of their recollections are incredibly hard to read, they are still a vital part of the book. Phillips also manages to cover the events in a very sensitive manner, never coming across as a charitable westerner. It's this sensitivity that helps to truly ram home what happened.

For anyone interested in the North Caucasus I recommend this book whole heartedly. It isn't a pleasant read at all, but that was to be expected.

John Bills reads sad books I: To The End of Hell.

2009-09-18T11:39:00.000-07:00

As the first in what will be fortnightly updates of this, I started my super cheap ass ploy of going into Waterstone's and reading a book in their reference section this week. And again, as I'm incredibly predictable, I went and read the first book in the travel section, which coincidentally was genocide related. Madness. So a quick capsule review is what will follow.

'To the End of Hell' is the publication of Denise Affonco's memoirs, spanning the 4 years spent in Cambodia under the Khmer Rouge regime, that led to the systematic wiping out of almost 2million people. That should pretty much make it clear what you are in for with this book. It certainly isn't a cheery read, although the end is surprisingly optimistic. That however, could just be because the previous 150 pages are the story of things getting progressively worse. Intimately documenting the early stages of the revolution and the confusion of being forcefully evacuated from the capital city to the country, all the way through to liberation by Vietnamese soldiers, this is a bloody tough read, and one that isn't for anyone with a particularly weak constitution. The slow starvation suffered by her daughter, Jeannie, is one aspect of the book that was particularly difficult to take. In a phrase that is repeated a number of times throughout, Affonco speaks of the feeling of sheer helplessness whilst watching her children slowly waste away. How she and her son managed to survive is entirely beyond me.

Despite the misery, it was a damn fine read, and a very important one for anyone who has no idea what happened in Cambodia during the late 70s. Whilst these days its just another stop on the drunken middle class gap year travel trail, it is a place of rich, deep history, and an extremely violent and disturbing recent past. Affonco's will to live is genuinely inspiring at times, and it certainly made me, the token comfortable westerner, feel ever so slightly redundant in my complaints. A fine, if difficult read.